|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2017 16:29:22 GMT
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. 
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2017 18:05:22 GMT
 "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Of course," said the young boy, confidently. "It means carrying a child."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2017 10:50:41 GMT
A class of young children were given an essay to do about the sea, here are some of their observations:
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her nose. (Julie age 7)
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2017 12:13:40 GMT
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me." The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million pounds to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me." The man asks, "So God, can I have a million pounds?" And God replies, "Yes, just give me a second."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2017 14:25:57 GMT
A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "They're outside in my truck. Where do you want them?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2017 18:23:58 GMT
Did you hear about the bald man who had pictures of rabbits tattooed on his head? He said they looked like hares from a distance.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2017 18:27:40 GMT
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind.
Today I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement.
Boy oh boy, did we have a row!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard from him since.
Guess I won that argument.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2017 18:35:35 GMT
A Norwegian took a trip to Birkenhead while visiting Liverpool. While in a bar, an old man on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The old man said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the man.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Liverpool the Norwegian went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some old guy in a bar in Birkenhead"
|
|
|
|
Post by aubrey on Jan 13, 2017 20:29:00 GMT
A Norwegian took a trip to Birkenhead while visiting Liverpool. While in a bar, an old man on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The old man said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the man.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Liverpool the Norwegian went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some old guy in a bar in Birkenhead" Heard it before  |
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2017 11:39:41 GMT
Dad, will you help me with my homework?"
"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2017 11:43:52 GMT
Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?
Two hundred soles were lost.
|
|
|
|
Post by aubrey on Jan 14, 2017 11:51:55 GMT
The people of Dubia do not like The Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2017 12:02:02 GMT
A woman goes into the butcher and says: "Have you got a sheep's head?"
"No lady, says the butcher. "It's just the way I comb my hair.."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2017 12:04:58 GMT
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2017 12:52:12 GMT
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."
"Yes I do too!" Little Johnny retorted. "Well, when Daddy says it, it means the car won't start."
|
|
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
