|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 19, 2017 15:53:54 GMT
 "God give me patience....And make it damn quick!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 19, 2017 15:57:35 GMT
Two ducks were out on a lake, one was feeling happy and the other one was feeling upset. When the one duck asked the other duck: "How was your anger therapy session?" the other duck replied: "He said I was in need of another session." The duck asked "Did you say anything to him to make him think that?" The other one said "All I said was that I thought he was a quack."
|
|
|
|
Post by goldelox on Jul 20, 2017 7:31:48 GMT
A man walked up to me in the street and for no reason poured two pints of milk and a pound of melted butter,all over me.
How dairy!
|
|
|
|
Post by ARENA on Jul 20, 2017 8:09:38 GMT
Booking office at Aberdeen Joint Station:
Customer: I want a ticket for Liverpool
Clerk certainly sir,change at Newcastle.
Customer: I want my change now or I'm not going!
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2017 11:55:30 GMT
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots of whiskey and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender asks, "Blimey, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "Why what do you have?"
The guy says, "10p,"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2017 12:53:38 GMT
What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just had to buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2017 13:17:37 GMT
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 14:24:12 GMT
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 15:23:18 GMT
Three devout lads from Liverpool had a disabled mate who could not walk. So they decided to take him to Lourdes to see if that would help.
To make the trip they thought it would be best to use it as a pilgrimage, so walked the entire distance pushing the wheelchair.
When they eventually arrived they were too knackered to lift him out of the chair so gently pushed him in still in the chair until he was immersed briefly.
They then dragged him out to find, he still could not walk but the wheelchair had four new tyres on it!
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2017 16:46:40 GMT
Nice one, Mrs Brown Brown's boys used that in one of their shows.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2017 16:48:50 GMT
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Dave Smith into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home football game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realise it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 20, 2017 17:17:35 GMT
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer to his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 19:30:49 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 21, 2017 9:13:48 GMT
Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."
Parent: "What's that?"
Teacher:" With exam papers like these, he couldn't be cheating."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 21, 2017 9:43:27 GMT
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
|
|
"God give me patience....And make it damn quick!"
