|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2017 15:04:55 GMT
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Help me Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The Doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2017 17:13:44 GMT
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice he cried, "Be gorra, He's right... I am Farty-two!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2017 9:09:22 GMT
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"
"Oh Daddy, you men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2017 9:10:19 GMT
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's all right." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2017 15:07:05 GMT
A travelling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.
At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"
Still no sign of the dove.
The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:
"Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2017 15:42:52 GMT
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of Blackpool tower building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint Bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2017 17:24:50 GMT
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2017 18:06:21 GMT
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wanted him to train as a doctor.”
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 17, 2017 18:17:19 GMT
A plane was taking off from Manchester Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight Tom293, to Malaga. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So set back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants."
A passenger in in the aisle said, "THAT'S NOTHING. He should see the back of mine."
|
|
|
|
Post by ARENA on Jul 18, 2017 9:13:08 GMT
Pat walks into the pub, badly beaten...
Barman : Blimey, what happened to you,Pat?
Pat: Mick beat me up.
Barman : He couldn't have done that with just his fist.Did he have something in his hand?
Pat: He had a shovel.
Barman: Did you have anything in your hand?
Pat; Yes, Mick's wife's breast.A thing of beauty but not much good in a fight.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 18, 2017 10:26:29 GMT
Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 18, 2017 10:54:25 GMT
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2017 11:38:42 GMT
Why did Adele cross the road
To say "Hello from the other side"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 19, 2017 12:05:51 GMT
When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Oh, I never knew you played football."
I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost £100 on Liverpool losing. I put my foot through the television..."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 19, 2017 14:21:02 GMT
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
|
|
