|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 21, 2017 11:00:14 GMT
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."
An overweight man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 21, 2017 13:59:04 GMT
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 21, 2017 18:12:25 GMT
Jack has a girlfriend he takes to a hotel for a night of pleasure. Lying in bed the following morning he's getting heartburn from worrying about the possible unpleasant consequences that could result from his indiscretion. He asks his companion: "What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?"
"I'd jump out of this tenth-story window!", she tells him.
Jack, with a great sigh of relief, looks at her admiringly and says, "That's a lot off my mind...you are so thoughtful."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 22, 2017 8:48:26 GMT
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering you a tip. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 22, 2017 10:04:08 GMT
A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from £2.00 to £2,000."
"Let's see the £2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For £2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
|
|
|
|
Post by marispiper on Jul 22, 2017 10:13:28 GMT
^^^
I love that one.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 22, 2017 15:47:57 GMT
Probably so true too.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 22, 2017 16:39:53 GMT
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
By Hell or high water I'll just beat him to death
.
|
|
|
|
Post by anybody on Jul 23, 2017 8:47:25 GMT
“Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.”
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 23, 2017 11:37:12 GMT
President Donald Trump decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Trump backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 23, 2017 14:57:15 GMT
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
|
|
|
|
Post by althea on Jul 23, 2017 16:22:23 GMT
I was dating this cross eyed man.
It didn't last.
I could've sworn he was seeing someone else.
|
|
|
|
Post by marispiper on Jul 23, 2017 16:51:30 GMT
I was dating this cross eyed man. It didn't last. I could've sworn he was seeing someone else. Althea, you are the best! |
|
|
|
Post by honeybear on Jul 24, 2017 8:17:42 GMT
When I was a child,my fairy god-mother asked me if I'd rather have a long memory or a long penis.
I can't remember which I chose.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 24, 2017 10:06:05 GMT
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the bloody lantern was lit!"
|
|
