Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2017 14:30:58 GMT
A true story
When I was a lot younger I had to give a short lecture at a University about a system my company had developed. Needless to say I was a bit nervous, more so when I walked in to a large amphitheatre fairly full, and five members of the royal society in the front row, one of who had his feet on the rail and his pipe in his mouth. Yes folks, a lot of us smoked in those days. I had been told always start with a bit of a joke so I said.
A young lad in a physics lesson was asked by the teacher, 'Jimmy, jump up in the air', which he did. The teacher then said, 'now why did you come down?, to which Jimmy replied 'because I live here sir'
There as a lot of laugher, which carried on for quite a while. The rest of the talk went rather well I think.
|
|
|
|
Post by althea on Jul 13, 2017 16:33:52 GMT
I always ask,"Who is calling please?" when any of my children haven't rung me for a while.It's a running joke now.
|
|
|
|
Post by althea on Jul 13, 2017 16:35:51 GMT
Butcher: Yes sir,how can I help you? Customer: I'd like a pound of kidleys please. Butcher: You mean kidneys. Customer: That's what I said, diddle I! We always called it steak and kidley pudding while I was growing up. This brought back memories. |
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2017 18:11:10 GMT
At a Northern university, students in the psychology programme were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Chester, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Crewe.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Liverpool, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The scouser replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2017 10:32:05 GMT
I was pulled over by the Police today. The copper came up to my car and said, "How fast do you think you were going Sir?"
"70 mph." I said hesitantly.
"Try 92," he said, "and that's what's going on the penalty notice."
I said, "Do us a favour mate, put 140 mph down, I'm trying to sell the damn thing."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2017 13:38:24 GMT
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2017 15:26:56 GMT
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defence.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "Well I'd be hoping that I'd win the case."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 14, 2017 16:55:12 GMT
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of pies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2017 1:13:39 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2017 9:42:07 GMT
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
The traffic lights on the corner beeps when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an blonde co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2017 11:52:39 GMT
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "£500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on toast. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps £500 down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of bread!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 15, 2017 15:18:24 GMT
A little boy wanted £100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the £100. When the postal office received the letter addressed to GOD UK, they decided to send it to Theresa May. the Prime minister was so impressed, touched, and amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a £5.00 note. Mrs May thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the £5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: "Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it here via the Post office, trouble is those buggers took £95 of it out of the envelope."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2017 8:30:28 GMT
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in the well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "My Mam said He stopped calling for help yesterday."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2017 12:10:03 GMT
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 16, 2017 12:29:18 GMT
Church notices:
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honour of his wife.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
|
|
