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Post by rondetto on Jul 10, 2017 16:30:06 GMT
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. 'Isn't it true,' he bellowed, 'that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?'
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
'Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?' the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, 'Sir, please answer the question.'
'Oh,' the startled witness said, 'I thought he was talking to you.'
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Post by rondetto on Jul 10, 2017 17:00:32 GMT
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "What you are looking at is called a mirror."
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Post by honeybear on Jul 11, 2017 8:16:47 GMT
It was mealtime during a flight on Ryan.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked .
"What are my choices?" the passenger asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
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Post by aubrey on Jul 11, 2017 8:26:58 GMT
It was mealtime during a flight on Ryan. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked . "What are my choices?" the passenger asked. "Yes or no," she replied. It is my understanding that there's not even that choice on Ryanair: a pack of sandwiches at €5, more like. edit sorry, just a joke, I know. |
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Post by rondetto on Jul 11, 2017 9:15:47 GMT
A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked the Lord for Mummy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the mince pies.
Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 11, 2017 9:43:31 GMT
Drugs for Women
(0nly joking)
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance:
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me any more'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
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Post by althea on Jul 11, 2017 9:52:16 GMT
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 11, 2017 11:31:07 GMT
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a cricket bat to the cash register.
"Cash or card," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologising for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle licencing. I am not too sane right now!!"
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back there?"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 13:45:21 GMT
Like it Ron!
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Post by rondetto on Jul 11, 2017 15:39:42 GMT
Thanks Jon. You might like this then.
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a cheque account, he signed his cheques simply "XX".
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. He soon was a very rich man.
One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this cheque. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your cheques 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
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Post by rondetto on Jul 12, 2017 11:39:44 GMT
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2017 10:34:14 GMT
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because your feet ain't empty."
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Post by ARENA on Jul 13, 2017 10:59:03 GMT
Butcher: Yes sir,how can I help you?
Customer: I'd like a pound of kidleys please.
Butcher: You mean kidneys.
Customer: That's what I said, diddle I!
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Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2017 12:12:56 GMT
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter . "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialled the same number and when a violent voice roared 'Hello!' in answer, the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
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Post by rondetto on Jul 13, 2017 14:30:48 GMT
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. They dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who is this calling please?"
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