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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2017 6:04:03 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jun 9, 2017 10:46:56 GMT
A traveller was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 9, 2017 12:49:34 GMT
A ventriloquist was making fun of the Irish with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry Irish man stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologising to the Irish man.
The Irish guy looked at him and said, "You stay outta this, I'm talking to the little sod on your knee!!!!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 9, 2017 15:40:32 GMT
Grandma Jones from the valleys had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad chest infection sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of nurses got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.
"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the nurses, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," she replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm 80 years old and I'm I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 9, 2017 17:21:41 GMT
A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church promising to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money.
She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps.
The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.
The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."
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Post by aubrey on Jun 10, 2017 12:21:32 GMT
The explorer finds a village in the jungle, hundreds of miles from anywhere. The natives seem friendly, so he decides to stay for a few days.
The first night, the drums start, relentlessly pounding on and on. No one seems alarmed though, so the explorer settles down and sleeps. The drums carry on all night, all the next day, and all the next night and day as well. By now the explorer hardly hears them, he is so used to them.
But then, at sundown on the third night, they suddenly stop. There is panic: the natives grab what they can and rush out into the jungle. Shocked, the explorer follows, catching a straggler.
"What's wrong?" he asks, "why are you running away?"
"Bwana, the drums, they stop - run!"
"But what does it mean?"
"Bwana, when drum solo finish, bass solo start!"
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Post by althea on Jun 10, 2017 17:29:56 GMT
A man walks into a £1 bakery. Sees all the cakes in the shop. They are all a pound except for one which is 2 pounds.
So he asks the Baker "why it is 2 pounds?".
The baker replies "that's madeira cake"
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Post by althea on Jun 10, 2017 17:30:46 GMT
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free . . . you either married it or gave birth to it.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 10, 2017 20:58:11 GMT
A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son "Son! How many times have I told you to stop masturbating? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"
The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2017 8:33:44 GMT
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2017 8:34:52 GMT
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If my maker wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
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Post by althea on Jun 11, 2017 10:11:27 GMT
A man got on a 'bus, with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls. and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him, and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow"?
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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2017 10:22:18 GMT
A motorway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
The cop cranked down his window and yelled to the driver--"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2017 10:42:22 GMT
A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2017 11:59:13 GMT
Two blondes realise that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
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