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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2017 12:04:44 GMT
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, good for nothing,insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2017 14:17:45 GMT
Two Hindu Gurus were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2017 9:28:50 GMT
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2017 10:56:55 GMT
Two men are approaching each other on a pavement. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Falklands 1982."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog muck, 20 feet back."
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Post by ARENA on Jun 12, 2017 11:09:12 GMT
Q:What's the difference between UKIP and a toilet?
A: A toilet has a seat.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2017 12:24:53 GMT
A Polish immigrant went to the DVL to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy, he lives next door to me."
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Post by althea on Jun 12, 2017 12:28:41 GMT
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home !
Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Colour of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2017 14:33:54 GMT
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2017 14:53:24 GMT
I like it! Reminds me of my two granddaughters who told me that their cat had gone to the vet to have his 'back bits' taken off. But you only have to do that with boy cats granddad!
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2017 15:40:53 GMT
When our girls were young we took them mushroom picking in local fields. Later that day I made a pan of mushroom soup and they remarked that it was just like real soup. We laughed because it doesn't get any more real than having picked them on that day.
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Post by aubrey on Jun 12, 2017 21:41:31 GMT
When our girls were young we took them mushroom picking in local fields. Later that day I made a pan of mushroom soup and they remarked that it was just like real soup. We laughed because it doesn't get any more real than having picked them on that day. I did dialysis a few times with a well-known writer who - as well as several of his family - had his kidneys fail because of a plate of mushrooms they'd picked and eaten. My kidneys failed over months, maybe a year; his went in a couple of days. Be careful. |
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Post by rondetto on Jun 13, 2017 10:52:54 GMT
One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''
''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''
The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''
''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''
''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''
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Post by rondetto on Jun 13, 2017 11:01:36 GMT
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind.
This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard from him since.
Guess I won that argument.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2017 11:25:25 GMT
A young lady met up with an old girl friend for coffee.
'You look dreadful, I thought you had just been on holiday?'
'Yes, I went to Africa'
'So, not very good?'
'No it was great but when we were on safari I needed to take a pee so went off the trail and a big gorilla took me from behind'
'Hell no! Have you been to the doctor because you look bloody awful'
'No it's not that, he has never written, and doesn't phone'.............
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Post by marispiper on Jun 13, 2017 12:42:50 GMT
When our girls were young we took them mushroom picking in local fields. Later that day I made a pan of mushroom soup and they remarked that it was just like real soup. We laughed because it doesn't get any more real than having picked them on that day. I did dialysis a few times with a well-known writer who - as well as several of his family - had his kidneys fail because of a plate of mushrooms they'd picked and eaten. My kidneys failed over months, maybe a year; his went in a couple of days. Be careful. Be careful. Yes, I bet you definitely are! |
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