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Post by rondetto on Jun 5, 2017 13:50:22 GMT
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him £50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him £100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 6, 2017 10:50:33 GMT
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
Da-ad..." "What?"
I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
WHAT?"
I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
Daaaa-aaaad..."
WHAT??!!"
When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 6, 2017 12:53:22 GMT
Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?
A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, "You're done..You're done...You're done."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 6, 2017 15:15:44 GMT
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 6, 2017 15:19:33 GMT
In the back woods, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 6, 2017 17:38:02 GMT
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the bottom and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there today."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 7, 2017 8:26:10 GMT
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 7, 2017 12:34:00 GMT
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years, and only after seven years."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 8, 2017 10:29:52 GMT
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small williess on those rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 8, 2017 12:03:23 GMT
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole."Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 8, 2017 15:10:12 GMT
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse you wrote 'Three times a week and your wife 'Three times a night."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2017 15:14:44 GMT
Ron. Forgive me for being dim but I don't understand that one!
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Post by rondetto on Jun 8, 2017 15:21:47 GMT
Right. The wife is on the game until they have paid off the mortgage. Got it now?  |
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Post by rondetto on Jun 8, 2017 15:30:44 GMT
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "Well, It's not unusual."
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2017 15:55:10 GMT
Right. The wife is on the game until they have paid off the mortgage. Got it now? Right! Love it!! |
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