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Post by rondetto on Jun 3, 2017 10:50:40 GMT
Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"
"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 3, 2017 11:13:49 GMT
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in along side his car.
“Yes?”
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”
The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15″. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
“8:25!”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It's 8:45!”
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Post by rondetto on Jun 3, 2017 13:41:14 GMT
On the way home from the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet and sad. His father noticed him crying and asked,
"What's wrong, little Johnny?"
Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you!!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 3, 2017 14:17:52 GMT
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding days, she tells each one of them to write back and tell her about their marriage life.
The first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a simple message: "Maxwell Coffee House". The Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell advert saying "Satisfaction to the last drop...".
When the second daughter got married, it took a week for the letter to arrive and the message read: "Rothmans". So the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and saw: "Life Size, King Size"
Finally it was the third one's wedding. Mother was very anxious. After 4 weeks came the message: "British Airways". When mother looked into the ad, she fainted. The ad read: "Twice a day. Four times a week. Both ways."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 3, 2017 18:35:28 GMT
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local pub when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognise my pickup."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."
The first deacon countered, "Yes but God won't tell my wife."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2017 5:06:09 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jun 4, 2017 10:54:34 GMT
In an Irish court room:
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.
"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 4, 2017 10:56:16 GMT
Elaine went to visit the much heralded local fortune-teller.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Elaine stared at the woman's haggard face, then at the single, flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 4, 2017 12:21:10 GMT
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good Lord!" he screamed. "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order! Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
Most of the passengers seemed to feel better on hearing this, and they sat down as the pilot walked to the front of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say, spoke up an alert passenger, aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said, "Yes, they are."
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about? "
There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're just going to get help."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 4, 2017 14:11:20 GMT
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect male to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, buy yourself a TV!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 4, 2017 16:58:53 GMT
I know this dumb blonde girl. She complained to me, "I could never trust my new boyfriend. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2017 20:11:35 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jun 5, 2017 10:27:09 GMT
A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.
The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realised his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 5, 2017 10:32:42 GMT
Josh was helping Sally, his blonde girlfriend clean out the boot of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labelled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tyres."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 5, 2017 10:38:24 GMT
Conversation between husband and wife:
-----------------------------------------------------
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "Oh bugger"
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