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Post by rondetto on Jun 1, 2017 12:10:05 GMT
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a new bra."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 1, 2017 14:50:55 GMT
Why did the school dunce the eat his homework? His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
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Post by rondetto on Jun 1, 2017 16:33:50 GMT
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 1, 2017 17:32:49 GMT
A football team was short of a goalkeeper, so the captain asked a cow grazing in the next field to join the team. The cow agreed. Later, the local cricket team needed a wicket keeper, so the same cow was asked to do the job. The cow replied: "Aw now come on.....Who ever heard of a cow playing cricket?"
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Post by aubrey on Jun 1, 2017 17:55:45 GMT
A football team was short of a goalkeeper, so the captain asked a cow grazing in the next field to join the team. The cow agreed. Later, the local cricket team needed a wicket keeper, so the same cow was asked to do the job. The cow replied: "Aw now come on.....Who ever heard of a cow playing cricket?"
Ah, but cricket fields do have an area called "Cow Corner".: |
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Post by rondetto on Jun 1, 2017 18:26:08 GMT
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating like I do?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mum is a good cook."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 2, 2017 9:07:55 GMT
An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed. "What should I do?" she cried.
"Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."
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Post by goldelox on Jun 2, 2017 9:57:38 GMT
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas
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Post by althea on Jun 2, 2017 11:03:17 GMT
My music teacher is so full of himself. It's always MI MI MI MI MI
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Post by althea on Jun 2, 2017 11:05:45 GMT
It's easy being a hostage......I could do it with my hands tied behind my back
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Post by althea on Jun 2, 2017 11:06:14 GMT
You don't think I'm a bad mother do you Jon?............
..........My name's Paul
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Post by althea on Jun 2, 2017 11:07:25 GMT
An American tourist in London decides to abandon his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC LAVS.
He really, really has to go, after all that Guinness.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public lavatory."
"Ah, I see," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "piddle away sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the Libyan Embassy."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 2, 2017 11:34:29 GMT
7 year old school children were asked to write a letter to God:
Here's just some of them:
Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy.
Joyce
Dear God,
My father told me about being born, but that doesn't sound right. He was kidding, right?
Marsha
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear God,
Did you really mean, "Do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
Darla
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of the people in the whole world. There are only four people in our whole family and I can never do it.
Nan
Dear God,
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Love,
Denise
Dear God,
In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane
Dear God,
It rained for our whole holiday and my father was mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)
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Post by rondetto on Jun 2, 2017 11:37:47 GMT
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "An undertaker."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 2, 2017 18:05:02 GMT
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"
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