|
|
Post by rondetto on May 29, 2017 9:34:43 GMT
"Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes."
"Did he make me?"
"Yes."
"I guess He's making a much better job of us these days then."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 29, 2017 10:42:04 GMT
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?"
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just
lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 29, 2017 11:07:27 GMT
There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty. The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologised to her her boobs would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.
Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 29, 2017 12:38:46 GMT
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Cheshire High school," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week,"
replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family holiday," says the voice. "I hope
it is alright."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who
is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 29, 2017 14:13:45 GMT
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could book you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
|
|
|
|
Post by marispiper on May 29, 2017 14:33:17 GMT
I like the jokes page...especially the cheesy ones, usually provided by Althea 😁
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 29, 2017 15:05:59 GMT
A country yokel was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anaesthetic. After he gets this he won't know any thing that's going on."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man.
"He don't know nothing now."
|
|
|
|
Post by aubrey on May 29, 2017 17:43:25 GMT
Two Finns are in a bar.
After hours of silence, one man raises his glass to the other and says, “Cheers.”
The other man snaps back, “I didn’t come here for conversation.”
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 30, 2017 12:45:40 GMT
When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.
Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.
|
|
|
|
Post by ARENA on May 30, 2017 12:58:01 GMT
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 30, 2017 15:46:04 GMT
A magazine reporter is travelling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the OK magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
|
|
|
|
Post by goldelox on May 31, 2017 8:37:39 GMT
an essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. the paramedics soon arrive on site.
medic: "its ok, i'm a paramedic and i'm going to ask you some questions. ok?"
girl: "ok"
medic: "whats your name?"
girl: "sharon"
medic: "ok sharon, is this your car?"
sharon: "yes"
medic: "where are you bleeding from?"
sharon: "romford, mate."
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 31, 2017 9:35:24 GMT
An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye, to be sure, that'd be the quickest way!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on May 31, 2017 14:31:46 GMT
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations:
Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Sign on music teachers' door: "Out Chopin."
Sign at the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"
Sign on a bin lorry: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
Sign at a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."
Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 1:25:05 GMT
|
|
