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Post by rondetto on May 20, 2017 9:04:55 GMT
THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and Geoff, go for a picnic ten miles from home. It takes ten days to get there, and they find they've forgotten the bottle opener. Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it. "No way!" says Geoff. "When I go you'll eat my sandwiches."
They promise not to, so off Geoff goes.
Ten days pass, and he's not back. 20 days pass, and he's stll not back . . . Jim and Ray are starving, but still don't eat the sandwiches . . .
25 days pass and Ray says: "We'll starve if we don't eat!" So they start to eat the sandwiches.
Geoff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts: "I knew it, I knew you would eat the sandwiches...you liars! I'm not going now!"
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Post by rondetto on May 20, 2017 12:34:16 GMT
A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord as me."
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Post by althea on May 20, 2017 14:14:43 GMT
Met my wife in a travel agents.....she wanted a holiday and I was the last resort
By the way ....don't book for Athens...that place is in ruins
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Post by rondetto on May 20, 2017 16:41:13 GMT
Did you hear about the woman who sued her husband for being careless in his appearance? Apparently he hadn't shown up at home for 15 years.
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Post by althea on May 22, 2017 18:07:10 GMT
I've got a part-time job at the cycle shop.......I'm their spokesperson
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Post by althea on May 22, 2017 18:07:39 GMT
I built a submarine out of polystyrene in our living room......It didn't go down too well
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2017 21:15:48 GMT
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Post by goldelox on May 26, 2017 8:38:42 GMT
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Post by ARENA on May 26, 2017 8:46:56 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 28, 2017 14:21:12 GMT
Seen on the door of a music shop: "Gone Chopin with my Liszt. Bach at 2pm. Offenbach sooner."
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Post by aubrey on May 28, 2017 15:34:43 GMT
I once did a gig in an Owl Sanctuary. That turned a few heads.
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Post by aubrey on May 28, 2017 15:35:11 GMT
We're British. I don't get scared until the threat level hits "Replacement Bus Service".
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Post by aubrey on May 28, 2017 15:41:06 GMT
Not really a joke, but I thought it was funny anyway:  |
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Post by rondetto on May 28, 2017 16:24:07 GMT
On the first day of Spring Training, a cricket scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The bowler, just shrugs his shoulders, and bowls the ball toward horse, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the cricket scout to tell the horse to get some runs.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Aintree!"
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Post by rondetto on May 29, 2017 9:01:58 GMT
“I'd like to order a bar pizza,” the blonde idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
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