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Post by rondetto on May 18, 2017 9:09:37 GMT
Due to a power cut, the house was very dark. The paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a torch high over her Mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
After little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and smacked him on the bottom. He began to cry.
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack him again!'
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Post by rondetto on May 18, 2017 10:44:49 GMT
A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."
The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"
The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels really lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"
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Post by rondetto on May 18, 2017 12:52:59 GMT
Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course.
After he missed a 12-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
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Post by rondetto on May 18, 2017 12:58:56 GMT
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...
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Post by rondetto on May 18, 2017 16:44:29 GMT
Some answers given on Family Fortunes:
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with 'moon' in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A con man
A part of the body beginning with the letter 'N' - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2017 20:59:47 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 19, 2017 10:00:58 GMT
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."
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Post by rondetto on May 19, 2017 12:19:38 GMT
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I`m going to shoot him!"
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Post by althea on May 19, 2017 14:59:38 GMT
Went to the gym and there's a new machine! I used it for an hour and felt sick..........
It's good though, it does everything, kitkats, mars bars, snickers.
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Post by rondetto on May 19, 2017 15:03:49 GMT
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son."
Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"At last....My Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.
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Post by althea on May 19, 2017 15:06:36 GMT
Grandad died at 97 after completing a marathon....well he'd had a good run
................................
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Post by rondetto on May 19, 2017 15:42:53 GMT
A snail slid into a bar. Unfortunately the barman didn't allow snails to come inside and kicked him out.
A year passed and the exact same snail came back inside of the bar. He slid up to the barman and said, “Why did you do that?”
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Post by rondetto on May 19, 2017 18:31:26 GMT
A little girl asked her mother for a £1 to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She's selling ice cream."
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Post by rondetto on May 19, 2017 18:32:48 GMT
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were freezing cold, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2017 0:48:04 GMT
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