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Post by rondetto on Aug 9, 2021 10:41:53 GMT
Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel."
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Post by althea on Aug 9, 2021 15:26:08 GMT
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale!!!
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Post by rondetto on Aug 9, 2021 16:18:54 GMT
A man walks into a super marker with blood gushing from his hand.
A shop assistant, who was stacking the shelves, notices the man and said to the man: "Are you OK Sir, that looks like a nasty cut you have there, can I get you a plaster or something for that?"
Man: "Yes, them wire baskets are lethal, direct me to the herbs and spices aisle".
Shop assistant: "OK, Sir, but why the herbs and spices ?".
Man: "Because I've heard that thyme is a great healer"
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Post by althea on Aug 9, 2021 16:25:44 GMT
Did you hear about the dyslexic Yorkshire man? He used to wear a cat flap.
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Post by althea on Aug 9, 2021 16:30:53 GMT
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house. The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’ The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous. When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’ The Spaniard replied:‘No.’
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Post by althea on Aug 9, 2021 16:44:43 GMT
What does a 200 kg parrot say. "Polly wants a cracker. Right f#*%@&^ now!"
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Post by althea on Aug 9, 2021 16:59:37 GMT
Oh dear.My Partner has just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens.
That's eight months of training wasted..........
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Post by althea on Aug 9, 2021 17:10:27 GMT
For Aubs. An angry drummer storms into a music store: "I am so sick of being told I'm not a real musician. Just give me that red saxophone, and the accordion. I'll show them."
The clerk says, "Well, you can take the fire extinguisher; but the radiator has to stay."
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Post by althea on Aug 9, 2021 17:26:28 GMT
Just got back from my mates funeral. He died after being hit in the head with a tennis ball....
It was a lovely service.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 9, 2021 18:02:07 GMT
My grandson said “What’s your favourite teletubby”
I replied "A Samsung 42 inch... but you are very rude."
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Post by althea on Aug 10, 2021 9:23:14 GMT
So, I was in this restaurant last night, and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR." I said, " I know all of the alphabet" and everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy............
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Post by althea on Aug 10, 2021 9:44:13 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Aug 10, 2021 11:18:15 GMT
A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:
"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a penis"
"Anabolic" says the Doctor
"No bollocks, just a penis"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 10, 2021 14:17:14 GMT
There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."
The four year old says "OK."
The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'arse.'"
The four year old says "OK."
So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"
The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your arse it's not corn flakes."
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Post by althea on Aug 10, 2021 14:20:59 GMT
What do you call a Parrot in a raincoat?
Polly Unsaturated
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