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Post by althea on Aug 7, 2021 9:12:13 GMT
Bought some aftershave with a credit card last week. Now there's lots of dodgy transactions on my account
The bank says my card's been cologned!!
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Post by althea on Aug 7, 2021 9:12:46 GMT
In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them.
It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.
A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.
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Post by althea on Aug 7, 2021 9:14:36 GMT
A guy fondles his wife's breast He says if we firm these up We can get rid of your bra
The wife gets hold of his member and says If we firm this up I can get rid of the milkman
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Post by althea on Aug 7, 2021 9:15:26 GMT
A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
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Post by rondetto on Aug 7, 2021 11:38:04 GMT
Willy, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
So he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, " said Willy.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Willy that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Willy "I'm getting a second opinion ."
The second Aussie doctor gave Willy the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Willy refused the treatment.
Willy was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Willy Bro, you have Prostate sickness."
"What's the cure then doc ?" asked Willy hoping for a different answer.
"Well, Willy", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna have to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thank god for that!" said Willy, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 7, 2021 13:10:15 GMT
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the reception of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 7, 2021 14:54:48 GMT
In the airport restaurant:
Pilot: "First one wing came off and then the other."
Listener: "What did you do?"
Pilot: "I grabbed a drumstick and had a second helping."
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Post by althea on Aug 7, 2021 15:05:37 GMT
My sister has just started a job as a Yoga instructor. It wasn't easy for her, she had to bend over backwards to get it.
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Post by althea on Aug 7, 2021 15:18:27 GMT
My neighbour died recently. He was crushed by a piano. The funeral was low key.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 7, 2021 18:08:47 GMT
Shaun and Patrick applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the Shaun and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked Shaun.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" he asked.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question 5, 'I don't know.'
You put down, "Neither do I."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 8, 2021 7:30:00 GMT
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy breasts, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, bugger!!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
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Post by althea on Aug 8, 2021 7:33:17 GMT
THINK.
It's what you do when you can't thwim.
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Post by althea on Aug 8, 2021 10:13:14 GMT
Dog is the only true friend of man. If you don't believe it, lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car. Open it in a couple of hours and see who will be more glad to see you...go on I dare you.
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Post by althea on Aug 8, 2021 10:14:48 GMT
At the supermarket, there was a big X for me to stand on. I've seen too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that one.
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Post by althea on Aug 8, 2021 10:23:55 GMT
The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat with a breadcrumb covering has just died.
RIP Scott Chegg.
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