|
Post by rondetto on Aug 5, 2021 16:41:29 GMT
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print.There ain't no way you're going to like it.
The only two things we do with greater frequenc in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 10:22:01 GMT
Wayne was returning home from a business trip... bags in hand ... and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.
Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I'll take you to your car.”
Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah ... no thanks,” he answered.“ I can get there myself.”
“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In !”
Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
Just then, the driver's face softened ..... “Please,” he said, “I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want to know if I can have yours."
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 10:24:48 GMT
I've gone right off the word "fickle".
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 10:27:52 GMT
Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”
Fellow 2 : “Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 10:28:28 GMT
I stopped a bloke in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip." He replied, "England to win the World Cup."
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 10:31:24 GMT
Bargains at the pet shop:
A hummingbird that knows the words
A bloodhound with hypoglycemia
A chameleon that's stuck on green
A depressed hyena
An absent-minded elephant
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 11:10:23 GMT
I have a dog that is half Pitbull, half Poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Aug 6, 2021 12:00:43 GMT
I asked the guy behind the counter if he would recommend to me a good electric kettle.
"Kenwood" he said.
I said OK, "where will I find Ken"
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 12:18:06 GMT
I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me - until I fell into a printing press.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 12:18:31 GMT
We were so poor that for breakfast we could only afford Ordinary K.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Aug 6, 2021 12:28:44 GMT
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Aug 6, 2021 15:28:26 GMT
I went for my annual check up this morning. Everything went well until
he stuck his finger up my arse.
I'm thinking of changing my dentist now.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 6, 2021 16:34:25 GMT
Can you lift an elephant with one hand? No, elephants don't have hands.
|
|
|
Post by ARENA on Aug 7, 2021 9:03:40 GMT
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
* The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M& M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*cking tw*t"
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 7, 2021 9:12:01 GMT
A wise Italian said to his son:
When you learn why a Pizza is round, And is put in a square box, And is eaten in triangles
You will be able to understand women!
|
|