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Post by althea on Aug 3, 2021 8:23:57 GMT
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Post by althea on Aug 3, 2021 8:25:03 GMT
I'm going to a fancy dress party as a sweet shop owner. I tried on my outfit, the wife said “Give me a twirl”. I thought blimey, it must be convincing.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 3, 2021 10:26:32 GMT
My mate crashed his car last night.
When the police arrived he told them that the guy he hit was on his phone and drinking a can of beer.
The Police officer said "That's not a problem sir, he's allowed to do that in his own living room!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 3, 2021 12:05:36 GMT
My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Ron."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later."
He replied, "That was fantastic, now send me another one."
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Post by althea on Aug 3, 2021 13:17:28 GMT
From Barry Crier via The Oldie:
A young man went into a tailor's and asked for a Beatle Jacket.
'What’s that?' asked the old tailor, taking out a notebook.
'No lapels.'
'No lapels,' wrote down the tailor.
'No buttons.'
'No buttons.'
'No buttonholes.'
'No buttonholes.'
'No vent in the back.'
'No vent.'
'How much will that be?' asked the young man.
'I don’t know,' said the tailor, 'with all those extras.'
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Post by althea on Aug 3, 2021 14:02:49 GMT
I'd like to see a world without plagiarism. You may say I'm a dreamer - but I'm not the only one.
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Post by rondetto on Aug 3, 2021 14:20:41 GMT
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "Yes, my sister did."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 3, 2021 16:02:57 GMT
I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant last night and it suddenly went dark. The waiter came over and said: "You all need to start clapping!"
"What a weirdo," I thought.
Anyway we all started to clap and the lights came on!
I said: "How did that happen?"
He replied: "Old Chinese proverb, many hands make light work."
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Post by rondetto on Aug 3, 2021 17:02:06 GMT
Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that? "
Husband: "I would, but I hardly know the woman."
________________
I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've woken up with a few.
________________
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Post by rondetto on Aug 4, 2021 10:54:03 GMT
An elderly man was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Eddie, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M6. Please be careful!"
"Bloody hell," said Eddie, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them !!"
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Post by rondetto on Aug 4, 2021 14:56:47 GMT
Teacher: "Colin, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brothers. Did you copy his?" Colin: "No sir. We've got the same dog."
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Post by ARENA on Aug 5, 2021 11:44:21 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Aug 5, 2021 13:24:25 GMT
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Because your feet are not as empty as your head."
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Post by althea on Aug 5, 2021 13:53:16 GMT
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Post by althea on Aug 5, 2021 13:53:48 GMT
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