|
Post by rondetto on Jul 31, 2021 10:04:19 GMT
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:
“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to remove your cat.”
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 31, 2021 13:40:50 GMT
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. Just an old cricket injury that acts up once in awhile."
Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played cricket."
Andy replied, "No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost £100 when England lost the ashes. I put my foot through the television...."
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jul 31, 2021 15:21:05 GMT
I was showing my mate last night this racehorse I'd just bought at Chester races. He said: "What are you going to do with it?" I said: "I'm going to race it of course." He replied: "Judging by the look of it I think you'd probably beat it too."
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Aug 1, 2021 7:40:46 GMT
The BT repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it is between 8am and 6:00 pm.
You can guess why.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 1, 2021 9:26:14 GMT
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
It's a light sentence.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 1, 2021 9:33:40 GMT
A middle eastern market is opening up in my neighbourhood. How bazaar is that!
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 1, 2021 9:34:42 GMT
U2’s first few albums have been remastered without the guitars on them. It certainly takes the Edge off them.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Aug 1, 2021 11:08:08 GMT
After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honour," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean I can keep the loot or do I have to give all the money back?"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Aug 1, 2021 12:11:16 GMT
Just seen a burglar using a jemmy to prise open his own windows. I asked: “What are you doing?”
He said: “Working from home.”
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 1, 2021 15:30:40 GMT
I heard there was a hundred metre butterfly in Tokyo today. I blame the nuclear power plant.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 1, 2021 15:32:09 GMT
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Aug 2, 2021 10:39:51 GMT
Down in Cornwall it's often hit with sudden devastation, without warning, and with unusual patterns of destruction. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the strangest thing... it was the strangest thing..." she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the strangest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and the whole damn house suddenly drained away."
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 2, 2021 15:20:40 GMT
When seabirds are flying, do they use tern signals - or just wing it?
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Aug 2, 2021 16:21:43 GMT
An Indian chief walked into a London restaurant and the waiter asked: "Do you have a reservation?" The chief replied: "Yes I do, but it's in Arizona."
|
|
|
Post by althea on Aug 3, 2021 8:22:04 GMT
|
|