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Post by aubrey on May 13, 2017 18:46:59 GMT
Funeral costs are so expensive these days. At my mother-in-law's, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting...........  |
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2017 19:42:12 GMT
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Post by aubrey on May 14, 2017 8:03:04 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 14, 2017 11:18:15 GMT
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference
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Post by rondetto on May 14, 2017 11:30:02 GMT
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
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Post by rondetto on May 14, 2017 14:20:36 GMT
A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
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Post by althea on May 15, 2017 13:57:06 GMT
My dad's a magician. His best trick is to saw people in half. I live with my half-brother and two half-sisters.
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Post by rondetto on May 16, 2017 11:47:22 GMT
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"
The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."
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Post by rondetto on May 16, 2017 15:09:41 GMT
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.
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Post by rondetto on May 16, 2017 15:36:38 GMT
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make £10,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the study and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw the buggers in the swimming pool!"
"What?! We don't have any pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 0153251561?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2017 23:48:37 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 17, 2017 9:35:03 GMT
After church, Robbie tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the vicar greets the family.
"Vicar," Robbie says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Robbie, I did.""And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either coming' or going! There's a heck a lot of dust under there."
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Post by rondetto on May 17, 2017 12:43:19 GMT
2 polar bears are walking around in the arctic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polar bear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polar bear are You sure there is no black bear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polar bear, I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I don't know about you but I'm bloody freezing"
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Post by rondetto on May 17, 2017 20:35:54 GMT
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty pounds," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2017 22:13:20 GMT
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