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Post by rondetto on Jun 27, 2021 10:09:25 GMT
While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member, "I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?" asked his friend.
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green," replied Padraig indignantly.
"That's entirely possible," commented his friend.
"Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket," retorted Padraig.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 27, 2021 14:45:30 GMT
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 28, 2021 8:28:04 GMT
As their washing machine was playing up, my mate's wife asked him to drop his trousers off at the dry cleaners.
He got a nice round of applause from the ladies there but he's banned from there now.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 28, 2021 9:54:36 GMT
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the shopping centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "£65,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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Post by althea on Jun 28, 2021 13:56:10 GMT
An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.' 'Why not?' he asked. She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!' She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.' He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'
'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2021 11:41:04 GMT
A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
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Post by althea on Jun 29, 2021 13:18:15 GMT
I had to close my Origami business. Too much paperwork. You could say the business folded.
It was a bit like the death of a thousand paper cuts.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 29, 2021 13:57:58 GMT
When I was a medical student I was always tickled reading some of the doctor's notes:
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 2003.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an post mortem.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the A&E, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Post by althea on Jun 29, 2021 14:22:51 GMT
Penguins exude an oil that protects their feathers and helps their bodies retain warmth. So, in this case, the oily bird gets the warm.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2021 8:48:12 GMT
Daughter: "What does gays mean?" Me: "Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way." Daughter: "So what's penetrating gays?" Me: "Er..........umm, read me the whole sentence." Daughter: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze." Me: "Oh bugger!"
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Post by althea on Jun 30, 2021 11:01:56 GMT
I wanted to be good - but there were so many other options.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2021 11:04:40 GMT
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of hay. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Will!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you," Will answered. "But I don't think my dad would like me to."
"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Will thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my dad is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is your old man?"
Will replied, "Under the wagon."
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Post by althea on Jun 30, 2021 11:09:44 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2021 13:50:37 GMT
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“…Which bus would I catch home?”
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Post by rondetto on Jun 30, 2021 16:18:01 GMT
Cop: "I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car accident and we'd like you to come with us so you can identify the body."
Husband: "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on facebook? If it's her I'll click 'Like."
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