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Post by rondetto on Jun 23, 2021 8:42:24 GMT
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am just here to get something to eat."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 23, 2021 10:44:38 GMT
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."
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Post by althea on Jun 23, 2021 12:37:21 GMT
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Post by althea on Jun 23, 2021 12:40:17 GMT
"Hey, fatty. Fatty, fatty, fatty."
"That's fighting talk where I come from, pal."
"Its fighting talk where I come from, too."
"Why aren't you fighting, then?"
"Well, I don't live there any more."
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Post by althea on Jun 23, 2021 12:46:15 GMT
I hate it when people ask me what I did yesterday. I don't know. I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something.......... Sighed occasionally. The list goes on............
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Post by aubrey on Jun 23, 2021 18:45:31 GMT
"Hey, fatty. Fatty, fatty, fatty." "That's fighting talk where I come from, pal." "Its fighting talk where I come from, too." "Why aren't you fighting, then?" "Well, I don't live there any more." Not long after we moved to London we - a group from Gainsborough - were in a moderately rough pub in Shepherds Bush. Some skinheads playing pool were the only other customers. One of our group was a bit gobby, always saying things you wished she wouldn't. (Was? She still is). At one point she asked one of the skinheads something:"hey fatty...?") we, of course, froze; but all the skinhead in question said was, "no, I'm fat stuff , he's Fatty", pointing to one of the others. She had been listening to them and had picked up their names.
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Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2021 1:50:54 GMT
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Post by althea on Jun 24, 2021 6:37:36 GMT
Dogs prepare you for babies. Cats prepare you for teenagers.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 24, 2021 10:59:49 GMT
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 24, 2021 13:29:00 GMT
I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Fosters. She didn't like it... so I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn't like it... so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the pram back home.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 25, 2021 12:19:52 GMT
My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 26, 2021 12:10:12 GMT
It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it...
She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 26, 2021 12:22:17 GMT
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Doctor slapped my Mother.
I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 26, 2021 17:07:02 GMT
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 27, 2021 7:28:05 GMT
One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
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