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Post by rondetto on May 11, 2017 15:47:24 GMT
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defence lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon. Isn't that far enough?"
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Post by rondetto on May 11, 2017 17:33:34 GMT
A vicar who was badly overworked went to the local medical centre and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the vicar in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language.
The cloned vicar was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.
The vicar was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident.
So the vicar lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.
Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the vicar for making an obscene clone fall.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2017 21:08:39 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 12, 2017 17:37:55 GMT
A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I always tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"
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Post by rondetto on May 12, 2017 18:25:28 GMT
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class had finished..
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2017 19:47:00 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 13, 2017 10:31:36 GMT
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Asda car park.
'Asda?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Asda?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
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Post by rondetto on May 13, 2017 10:48:03 GMT
Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman as bait.
Customer: I would like 10,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 10,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I am moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
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Post by rondetto on May 13, 2017 13:46:07 GMT
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandad and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
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Post by althea on May 13, 2017 18:05:29 GMT
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... Women like that are hard to find!!..
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Post by althea on May 13, 2017 18:06:50 GMT
Funeral costs are so expensive these days.
At my mother-in-law's, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting...........
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Post by althea on May 13, 2017 18:11:19 GMT
When one door closes, another one opens.
These IKEA wardrobes are absolute rubbish!
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Post by althea on May 13, 2017 18:19:55 GMT
I just got asked the time by an Argos delivery driver.
So I told him it was between 8am and 1pm!
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Post by althea on May 13, 2017 18:23:11 GMT
An entire city has gone missing in Yorkshire. Police are looking for Leeds.
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Post by rondetto on May 13, 2017 18:40:02 GMT
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the same thing."
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