|
Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2021 11:14:21 GMT
A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.
"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2021 12:03:16 GMT
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. So she does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." So she does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a large basket in the corner.
"They're currants," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2021 14:04:10 GMT
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"
"You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father." Said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2021 14:52:22 GMT
A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen pounds.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen quid!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen pounds.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen pounds and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 20, 2021 7:45:29 GMT
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants in France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"Ah well you see," the old man replied, "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
|
|
|
Post by althea on Jun 20, 2021 9:12:36 GMT
After all these years, Hercule Poirot is joining the digital age and getting a mobile phone. It's nothing fancy, though; just a little grey cell.
|
|
|
Post by althea on Jun 20, 2021 9:13:22 GMT
Why does Norway have barcodes on their warships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 20, 2021 13:12:29 GMT
A man sees an ad for a £50 cruise in a newsagents. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.
He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind. He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean. "Well, this sucks," he thinks out loud.
A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel. "Tell me about it," the second man replies. "This is the same route as last year."
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2021 9:05:05 GMT
Wife: "And just where do you think you're going?"
Husband: "I'm off to the opticians to pick up my new glasses"
Wife: "And after that"
Husband: "I'll see"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2021 12:23:26 GMT
A woman answered the front door to find a workman standing on the porch and carrying a box of tools.
"I'm the piano tuner ma'am" he announced.
"But I didn't send for a piano tuner."
"I know, but your neighbours did!"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 21, 2021 14:49:35 GMT
Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a cot like that for only £46.50."
|
|
|
Post by althea on Jun 21, 2021 15:41:28 GMT
For Sale: Parachute. Used only once. Never opened.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2021 8:30:46 GMT
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'll make do with a hamburger!"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2021 10:31:59 GMT
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband sidled up to her. "Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $£10 in the kitchen, £20 in the living room and £50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's £50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "I'll have five times in the kitchen!"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jun 22, 2021 16:06:38 GMT
I hate hotel bath towels.
They’re so thick I can hardly close my suitcase.
|
|