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Post by rondetto on Jun 16, 2021 15:05:34 GMT
Mary Jones was debating on the best means of dropping her boy friend.
Her friend ask: "Are you worried because you think he'll tell lies about you?"
Mary answered: "I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth I will break his neck!"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 16, 2021 15:14:11 GMT
Interviewer: " How do you explain this four year gap on your resume?"
Applicant: "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
Interviewer: " I'm very impressed with that, right you can start on Monday."
Applicant: "Oh thanks, I really need this Yob."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 17, 2021 10:09:14 GMT
An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband: "Well, I'm sitting in the pub just next to that shop."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 17, 2021 16:00:45 GMT
For his birthday, little Sam asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Sam heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Sam told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
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Post by althea on Jun 17, 2021 16:04:22 GMT
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Sri Lankan Economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They must be English!"
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!"
"You are both wrong," says the Sri Lankan economist. "They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise. Clearly, they are Sri Lankans!"
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Post by althea on Jun 17, 2021 16:06:30 GMT
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?", asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500!" replied the man. "Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need," said the lawyer.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2021 19:28:05 GMT
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Post by althea on Jun 18, 2021 9:36:03 GMT
When I offer to wash your back in the shower; all you have to say is "yes" or "no."
Never mind all of this, "Who are you?" and "How did you get in here?" nonsense.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2021 7:54:10 GMT
Man goes to the doctor suffering from constipation. So the doctor tells him to drop his kegs and boxers and bend over. The doctor then picks up a long pole with a hook on it. The man asks the doctor nervously "what are you going to do with that?"
The doctor replies "I'm going to open a window it stinks in here." _____________
" Doctor, I sometimes a feel like a pair of curtains". "Pull yourself together."
"Doctor, I sometimes I feel like a tepee and sometimes like a wigwam". " You are two tents" _____________
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Post by rondetto on Jun 19, 2021 7:55:53 GMT
It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.
Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're *** and we can't be bothered".
Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the television on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes"
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Post by althea on Jun 19, 2021 10:04:02 GMT
I wondered what had happened to Harry Kane last night. It seemed like he was missing for most of the match.
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Post by althea on Jun 19, 2021 10:04:49 GMT
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Post by althea on Jun 19, 2021 10:05:37 GMT
HR excerpts.
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Post by althea on Jun 19, 2021 10:11:53 GMT
My uncle set a new world record, getting 27 pigeons to land on him. What a ledge!
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Post by themanwhoknewnothing on Jun 19, 2021 10:56:20 GMT
198200252_10157902405946433_69413930804152458_n
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