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Post by rondetto on May 9, 2017 15:38:56 GMT
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.
The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned and said, "Quick, Get me my brown pants."
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Post by althea on May 9, 2017 17:54:51 GMT
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put a “S" in the word “lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why is it that a plastic bag will not open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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Post by althea on May 9, 2017 17:56:42 GMT
Paddy and Mick are on a cruise together. Mick says "it's awful quiet on deck tonight". Paddy says "I bet everyone's gone to watch the band ". Mick said "band? There is no band you fool". Paddy says "that's strange. I could've swore someone said a band on ship".
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2017 20:46:54 GMT
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Post by althea on May 10, 2017 3:57:46 GMT
Entered M-I-L in an ''Ugly Contest'' but they turned her away...''No Professionals''
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Post by rondetto on May 10, 2017 8:50:04 GMT
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'It's Hardly worth going home, is it."
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Post by rondetto on May 10, 2017 11:49:48 GMT
A man goes into a chip shop with a live salmon under his arm. He asks, "Do you sell fish cakes?"
"No" comes the reply.
"Aw that's a Shame, it's his birthday."
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Post by rondetto on May 10, 2017 12:17:49 GMT
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
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Post by althea on May 11, 2017 8:46:38 GMT
Having a little weed didn't do Bill and Ben any harm
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Post by althea on May 11, 2017 8:47:09 GMT
If attacked by a gang of circus people...........go for the juggler
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Post by althea on May 11, 2017 8:47:48 GMT
The wife was on the phone for three hours. As she hung up I said that's short for you. She said well it was a wrong number
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Post by rondetto on May 11, 2017 11:16:07 GMT
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains etc. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
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Post by rondetto on May 11, 2017 12:38:50 GMT
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a betting slip in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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Post by ARENA on May 11, 2017 14:02:19 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 11, 2017 14:20:43 GMT
A man walks into a doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
"In my opinion, you're not eating properly."
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