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Post by rondetto on May 6, 2017 8:53:49 GMT
Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest idiots get the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Aw that's nice... thank you, Dear!"
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Post by rondetto on May 6, 2017 14:20:11 GMT
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go to the pub.'
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2017 21:10:25 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 7, 2017 10:53:52 GMT
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies.
After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
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Post by rondetto on May 7, 2017 12:33:24 GMT
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.
She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.
In a panic she called 999. They answered and said "Hello what is your emergency?"
The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" The operator said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"
The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"
The operator calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"
The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! IN A BIG RED ENGINE!"
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Post by rondetto on May 7, 2017 12:39:35 GMT
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"
"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
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Post by rondetto on May 7, 2017 14:28:27 GMT
Ageing Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Eric. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Eric's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Post by rondetto on May 7, 2017 15:14:11 GMT
A friend and I were standing in line at Burger King, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No notes larger than £20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a note larger than £20, I wouldn't be eating here."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2017 22:08:30 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 8, 2017 9:28:22 GMT
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'No I didn't say that. I said, 'I said You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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Post by rondetto on May 8, 2017 9:32:42 GMT
An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrots neck.
Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the fathers collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
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Post by rondetto on May 8, 2017 15:41:10 GMT
Little Johnny told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained Little Johnny, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2017 21:16:37 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 9, 2017 11:28:52 GMT
McDonalds announced it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. When you think about it, it's the same thing they do to their customers.
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Post by rondetto on May 9, 2017 11:34:41 GMT
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "That was just too much trouble, sarge."
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