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Post by rondetto on May 2, 2017 15:09:28 GMT
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''
''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
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Post by rondetto on May 2, 2017 16:21:09 GMT
A Pre school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2017 22:40:18 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 3, 2017 8:51:08 GMT
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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Post by ARENA on May 3, 2017 15:46:17 GMT
If you had to chose between eating cake or being slim, what would you choose, lemon drizzle or chocolate fudge?
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Post by rondetto on May 3, 2017 17:09:33 GMT
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, Im blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when Im done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called Georges wife and said, "Your husbands test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! Hes been peeing in the Fridge again!"
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Post by rondetto on May 4, 2017 11:48:51 GMT
Husband to counsellor: We were very happy for 22 years.
Counsellor: What happened?
Husband: We got married.
Counsellor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband's assessment of your marriage?
Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Post by rondetto on May 4, 2017 14:25:37 GMT
Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Birth and care? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
Sarah responds, "No...he was wearing a hat."
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Post by rondetto on May 4, 2017 16:30:39 GMT
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
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Post by rondetto on May 4, 2017 18:01:08 GMT
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself, if that's what you want to do," the farmer replied, "You can go join the other chickens that are around the back."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2017 5:36:04 GMT
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Post by aubrey on May 5, 2017 7:08:50 GMT
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Post by rondetto on May 5, 2017 11:03:47 GMT
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?'
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Post by rondetto on May 5, 2017 14:21:50 GMT
My mate Dave is almost 29 years old. His mates have already got married, but Dave still just dates and dates.
Finally, a mate asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Dave replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Dave and his friend get together. "So, Dave, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"
Dave shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mum. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."
So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. You see...my Father can't stand her!"
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Post by rondetto on May 5, 2017 17:41:16 GMT
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
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