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Post by rondetto on Apr 30, 2017 11:32:20 GMT
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope?
So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
!We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who? "
"Well, I don't really know. But the Pope is his driver."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 30, 2017 13:35:26 GMT
Doctor: "You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty."
Patient: "But, doctor, I am 80 right now."
Doctor: !See, I was right wasn't I."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 30, 2017 15:34:29 GMT
One day an old lady walked into the doctor's office and was shown into a room. When the doctor came in and asked what the problem was, she answered, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent and doesn't smell at all."
The doctor, after examining her thoroughly, gave her some pills and told her to take one everyday and come back in a week. The lady returned, and when the doctor asked if her problem was any better she replied, "Well I don't know what you gave me, but now my gas smells terrible!"
The doctor replied, "Well, now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"
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Post by rondetto on May 1, 2017 9:12:11 GMT
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
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Post by rondetto on May 1, 2017 11:11:31 GMT
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven, what if he's in Hell?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
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Post by rondetto on May 1, 2017 15:29:35 GMT
There are three premiership teams stranded in a desert - Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.
They have been there for one week when they finally come across a dead camel.
The Man United players say 'As we're
Manchester United, we'll have the CHEST.'
The Liverpool players say 'As we're LIVERpool, we'll have the liver.'
'We're not hungry,' say the Arsenal players.
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Post by rondetto on May 1, 2017 15:53:11 GMT
A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought,''Hey this is good.'' So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says,'' Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead."
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Post by althea on May 1, 2017 16:33:37 GMT
• "Now we go into lap 53, the penultimate last lap but one."
Murray Walker
• "It looks like being a busy weekend on the ferries, particularly Saturday and Sunday."
Peter Powell
• "It was a sudden and unexpected surprise."
Old Bailey Correspondent for the BBC
• "I never make predictions, especially about the future."
Samuel Goldwyn
• "It's deja vu all over again."
Yogi Berra
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
Samuel Goldwyn
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Post by althea on May 1, 2017 16:35:11 GMT
Just heard Marti Pellow has arthritis, he feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes.
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Post by rondetto on May 1, 2017 17:17:12 GMT
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
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Post by aubrey on May 1, 2017 17:36:32 GMT
Just heard Marti Pellow has arthritis, he feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes. Should be Reg Presley really; but seeing as how he's dead... |
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Post by althea on May 2, 2017 8:30:56 GMT
Fazackerley!
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Post by rondetto on May 2, 2017 10:52:19 GMT
A priest is driving down to London and gets stopped for speeding on the M1. The policeman smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The Cop says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again."
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Post by rondetto on May 2, 2017 12:02:01 GMT
Judge: Are you defending yourself?
Defendant: Yes, your Honour.
Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, we may appoint you a lawyer.
Defendant: I know, your Honour, but I don't want one. On this occasion I plan to tell the truth.
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Post by rondetto on May 2, 2017 14:57:33 GMT
After the birth of their child, a local priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your vicar is sure friendlier than mine."
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