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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2021 9:11:14 GMT
Two blondes are walking around a zoo, when one says, "Look at that lion with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
_________________
“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant. ________________
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2021 12:24:49 GMT
A new police officer was assigned to ride in a panda car with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner...now!!" No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!' Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since that is a bus stop.'
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2021 13:43:39 GMT
Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a tent and inside was a sleeping missionary. A. "Ah, lovely.... Breakfast in bed."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2021 14:25:27 GMT
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
"Here, boy,” he replies.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2021 18:16:07 GMT
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Post by althea on Jan 23, 2021 10:29:48 GMT
Some people need to calm down. Asda etc are only asking you to wear a face-covering. You can still wear your PJs and leave your bras and teeth at home.
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Post by althea on Jan 23, 2021 10:30:23 GMT
Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine, remember, they make Viagra. If they can raise the dead, they can save the living.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2021 12:58:59 GMT
O'Malley walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what O'Malley had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2021 15:07:06 GMT
“John, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a Spy!” “Ummm, so why are you dressed as a Shepherd??” “I’m a Shepherd Spy! “ ___________________ I saw the farmer herding his cows from one field to another, I had to ask him : "why are all your cows wearing bells around their necks ?"
He quickly replied "because their horns don't work" ___________________
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Post by rondetto on Jan 23, 2021 17:09:37 GMT
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your gents toilet?"
The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the petrol station three blocks down the street."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2021 9:02:27 GMT
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it's got your bloody weight wrong, too!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2021 13:12:08 GMT
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs £500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs £1.000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs £2.000."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 24, 2021 15:59:37 GMT
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a cinema. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?"
The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2021 7:17:11 GMT
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 25, 2021 9:53:34 GMT
A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator."
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"No problem, I'll just fake an orgasm as usual."
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