|
Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2021 8:19:31 GMT
Mother in Law came round for dinner and asked, "Why does your dog keep looking at me?"
I said, " because you're eating off his plate" __________________________
My mother in law once had a job, kick-starting jumbo jets at Heath Row. __________________________
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
__________________________
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. __________________________
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 18, 2021 13:31:15 GMT
Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odour, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.
That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2021 20:05:04 GMT
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2021 7:53:29 GMT
A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them.
Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."
The sergeant said, "The way you shoot, you'd better take a couple of extra bullets!"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2021 12:43:14 GMT
The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.” “That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently. “It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “It hit him right in the face."
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 19, 2021 15:18:56 GMT
A radio announcer was introducing a record, "The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?"
There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."
|
|
|
Post by aubrey on Jan 19, 2021 18:22:05 GMT
A radio announcer was introducing a record, "The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?" There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."
Coincidence; but this is a film about a girl - played by Charlotte Burke - who draws a house when she's ill, and then dreams about it. A children's book made into an adult horror film.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2021 7:59:47 GMT
Through the pitch-black night, the ship's captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east." The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call sir.”
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2021 12:00:35 GMT
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "The patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched."
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2021 15:45:47 GMT
A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two policemen, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the they can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The constable looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 20, 2021 18:27:04 GMT
The following advert is reported to have received numerous calls:
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2021 9:47:23 GMT
A man tells his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking."
"What did he say?"
"He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate."
"Did that do any good?"
"No I can't get the damn chocolate to light."
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 21, 2021 15:48:41 GMT
Patrick O'Malley opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Patrick. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Is that you O'Malley...where are ye callin' from?"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2021 17:48:20 GMT
|
|
|
Post by rondetto on Jan 22, 2021 7:18:12 GMT
Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Aberdeen, my green suitcase sent to Birmingham, and my tan suitcase sent to New York.
Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Madrid. We can't do that."
Passenger: "Why not ? You did it last time."
|
|