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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2021 14:45:39 GMT
A man is going from door to door. He stops at one house and knocks on the door. A man opens the door. The door-to-door salesman says, "Hello sir, today we're going door-to-door looking for those who might be interested in making a donation to the retirement home."
"Sure, that sounds great!" exclaims the man. "Hey Granny, hurry up and get your coat."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2021 8:19:45 GMT
A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list.
"Lady," Johnny explained, "we are on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a pound."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
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Post by ARENA on Jan 14, 2021 12:44:43 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2021 12:46:46 GMT
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his Dad who is at work.
After junior had called, he got back to his mother to inform her that it was a lady that picked up his Dad's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very violent slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighbourhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked their son to tell everybody what was said to him when he called, the son said "It was a lady's voice who said the number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2021 18:00:49 GMT
I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free chips. I'm on a diet so I decided to give them a try.
I was dismayed when the bloke pulled a basket of chips from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with them and asked If I wanted salt and vinegar.
"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."
"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 14, 2021 18:49:08 GMT
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2021 19:10:25 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2021 8:41:08 GMT
I was worried about getting obese as I know I was putting weight on so I went to the doctor for advice and he advised me not to eat anything fatty.
"You mean like sugar, chips, ice cream etc".
"No", he replied, "You misunderstood me, I just said "Don't eat anything, Fatty."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 15, 2021 18:04:22 GMT
When my son graduated from Uni, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'
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Post by aubrey on Jan 15, 2021 18:32:45 GMT
I was on a date the other night, and she said to me "I slept with 3 men before I met you"
I wouldn't have minded, but I was only 20 minutes late.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 16, 2021 7:11:47 GMT
My daughter rang me up and could tell I was under the weather during this lock down, "You need to get busy Mum," she said. "Find a hobby or join a club, anything to take your mind off things." So, I saw an advert for a parachuting class for beginners and joined that. I rang them to ask when my training would begin and the man on the phone said this is a club for prostitutes not parachutes. Well, when I told my daughter that I had signed up for five jumps she fainted.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 16, 2021 13:25:49 GMT
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Colonel sir, He's not married...It's you he's fond of."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2021 18:58:21 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2021 8:43:33 GMT
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either . It's a mystery.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 17, 2021 14:07:41 GMT
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting Lawyer."
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