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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2021 16:28:16 GMT
A woman meant to call a record store but dialled the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired."
"I really don't know," the man replied. "But If it is I don't want my name going in the Guinness book of records."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2021 18:46:54 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2021 9:02:24 GMT
Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard? One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.
"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2021 14:22:49 GMT
Three country bumpkins called Dai, Eric and Jim, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Dai, "It's Gary Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Eric, "here's one named Bob Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jim yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Dai.
Jim lights a match to see what else is written on the grave stone, and exclaims, "Miles, from London."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 9, 2021 18:04:36 GMT
Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'
Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'What do you mean?'
Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: "I'm not going to do that, it'll ruin the computer."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 10, 2021 12:09:51 GMT
Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet - Home is where you hang your @ - The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. - A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. - You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. - Great groups from little icons grow. - Speak softly and carry a mobile phone. - C: is the root of all directories. - Don't put all your hypes in one home page. - Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. - The modem is the message. - Too many clicks spoil the browse. - The geek shall inherit the earth. - A chat has nine lives. - Don't byte off more than you can view. - Fax is stranger than fiction. - What boots up must come down. - Windows will never cease. - In Gates we trust. - Virtual reality is its own reward. - Modulation in all things. - A user and his leisure time are soon parted. - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. - There's no place like www.home.com- Know what to expect before you connect. - Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice. - Speed thrills.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 10, 2021 12:25:34 GMT
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. The toy's all yours."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 10, 2021 13:57:48 GMT
One day Donald Trump was out golfing -- and accidentally
fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.
Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and
dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of
the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Trump.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the
grateful president.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out who I saved
from drowning."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2021 7:48:27 GMT
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 11, 2021 13:34:03 GMT
An archaeologist was digging in the Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Drachmas on Goliath'."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2021 7:26:38 GMT
Absolute Must watch documentary on BBC2 about the Covid 19 pandemic, tomorrow night 9.00pm..
2 brothers from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on Flight MH370 that miraculously disappeared.
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain, and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though. It’s really interesting. Have a look at it - it's called:
Two Wongs Don't Make a Flight!
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2021 11:11:43 GMT
Most Friday nights at the navy's station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call his home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five pounds in small, unmarked notes in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's cricket glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come straight home.'
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2021 14:38:44 GMT
''Say, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?'' asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool.
''Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much,'' answered the equally wasted gent.
“Ah hell, whaddya know, I've been married to one of those for years and years now and never knew it."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 12, 2021 17:59:33 GMT
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. __________________
Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.
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Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
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My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'
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I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.
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The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
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My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.
__________________
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Post by rondetto on Jan 13, 2021 8:47:47 GMT
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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