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Post by rondetto on Jan 5, 2021 15:08:13 GMT
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.
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Post by ARENA on Jan 5, 2021 16:04:08 GMT
MY NEWS RESOLUTION IS TO STOP PUTTING MY FOOT IN IT.
I expect yours is to get rid of that ugly fat...........
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Post by rondetto on Jan 5, 2021 16:19:25 GMT
They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, 'Hey Mum, what's this?'
'Oh, that's an old typewriter,' she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.
'Well what does it do?' they asked.
'I'll show you,' she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.
'WOW!' they exclaimed, 'That's really cool.! But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?'
'There is no plug,' she answered. 'It doesn't need a plug.'
'Then where do you put the batteries?' they persisted.
'It doesn't need batteries either.' she continued.
'Wow! This is so cool!' A type writer with no plug and no batteries, They exclaimed. 'Someone should have invented this a long time ago!'
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Post by rondetto on Jan 6, 2021 8:15:45 GMT
A sign of the times, I noticed that my local gastropub had started to sell prepared meals that can be cooked at home.
The blackboard by the door said "Today's special" "Mixed grill".
I stopped to ask the chef what the ingredients consisted of, he went on to say "Sir, I have, fried kidney, boiled tongue, braised liver and chicken legs"
I said "look mate, we all have our problems, just hand me the menu."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 6, 2021 11:29:01 GMT
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, You're Italian, when the hell did you learn to speak English?"
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Post by rondetto on Jan 6, 2021 11:32:13 GMT
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Whoa there woman, our contract was until death, no longer."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 6, 2021 11:39:55 GMT
Yeah!!! First trip booked for 2021... Hopefully off to Iceland in February. If that goes well probably looking at Asda in March and Tesco in April. Yep, I know. I'm off my trolley.
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Post by rondetto on Jan 6, 2021 15:29:40 GMT
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him.
The man noticed this, in fact he was getting rather annoyed at the dog.
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady.
"Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and flung it over a wall.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2021 19:42:35 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2021 9:17:31 GMT
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!" Officer: "Age?" Husband: "I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays." Officer: "Height?" Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." OFFICER : "Weight?" Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." OFFICER : "Colour of eyes?" Husband: "Sort of brown I think." OFFICER : "Colour of hair?" Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember." OFFICER : "What was she wearing?" Husband: "Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." OFFICER : "What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: "She went in my motorhome." OFFICER : "What kind of motorhome was it?" Husband : "VOLKSWAGON camper van registered July 2015 Fiat 2.8 jtd manual right hand drive With 180 watt solar panels Hab air con , refillable gas bottles , electric step , led lights , rear camera, fridge freezer, Avtec pull out TV , electric windows , blown heating , superb shower." At this point the husband started choking up. OFFICER: "Take it easy sir. We'll find your motorhome for you."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2021 9:36:44 GMT
The other day, my wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be wrong.
To her credit, my wife finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'Yes, you're right.'
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2021 14:55:30 GMT
A Polish immigrant went to the Post office to apply for a driver's licence.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 7, 2021 18:19:34 GMT
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!”
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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2021 7:49:25 GMT
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "Well, my sister did."
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Post by rondetto on Jan 8, 2021 13:06:33 GMT
An electrician comes home late.
Wife: "Wire you insulate?"
Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm aren't I."
And then the sparks flew.
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