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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2017 13:08:04 GMT
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag in the car works..."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2017 15:07:47 GMT
A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Isn't that right Lou?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2017 17:02:00 GMT
Aw bless, from the mind of a child.
Mummy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mummy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2017 17:08:09 GMT
A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks around, and sees a big bulge in the curtains, and a pair of feet sticking out underneath. He whips the curtains open, and says, "Who the hell are you?"
The man says, "I'm the moth inspector."
The husband says, "Moth inspector? Why are you naked?"
The man looks down and says, "Damn. them little buggers get everywhere."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2017 17:15:20 GMT
Sean O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mum could have an evening out.
At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbour, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no.
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mum, but Mr O'Toole won't let me go home."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 28, 2017 10:56:59 GMT
Patrick was in the confessional box. "And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Patrick?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Patrick. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 28, 2017 12:39:24 GMT
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous bad shots, he said, in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course!"
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 28, 2017 15:01:18 GMT
A solicitor's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a beef joint. The butcher goes to the solicitor's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The solicitor answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me £8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a beef joint from me today."
The solicitor, without a word, writes the butcher a check for £8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the solicitor "£100 payment due for a consultation."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 28, 2017 18:05:34 GMT
A rich women goes to the police station and asks the police officer to write a complaint about her missing dog. He say "you should give a brief description about your dog".
She says he had a fight with another dog and one of his ears is missing, one of his eyes is missing after a road accident, one of his legs his missing and his tail is half cut off. He asks for the dogs name.
She replies "lucky."
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Post by althea on Apr 28, 2017 18:24:33 GMT
What do you call it when you see a thousand solicitors drowning?
A start.
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Post by aubrey on Apr 29, 2017 8:21:24 GMT
Hey! My mother used to work for a Solicitor! Anyway - sorry about some of the language, but I giggled over this, I really did:  |
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Post by rondetto on Apr 29, 2017 9:29:53 GMT
A woman in a casino at Monte Carlo was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 Euros, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.
“Why don't you play your age?” he suggested.
The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy who had advised her saw that the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over.
“Did she win?” he asked.
“No” replied the attendant.
“She put 10 Euros on 33 and 46 won.”
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Post by rondetto on Apr 29, 2017 11:31:50 GMT
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
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Post by rondetto on Apr 29, 2017 12:18:18 GMT
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting vicar told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A local newspaper reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The vicar told a number of stories that cannot be published."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 30, 2017 10:37:38 GMT
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on our neighbours Farm."
The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
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