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Post by rondetto on Apr 24, 2017 16:53:26 GMT
Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their prayers before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to say their prayers without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying.
Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are still here!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 24, 2017 18:13:42 GMT
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About seven hundred years."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 24, 2017 18:21:18 GMT
One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 25, 2017 10:26:02 GMT
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.
Men never listen.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 25, 2017 10:32:13 GMT
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 25, 2017 11:35:38 GMT
Three little lads were on their way home from school when one of them noticed a red Ferrari parked at the side of the road.
He said: "When I'm older I'm going to get a great job and buy one of them."
The second lad said: "I am going to university to get a great education, and a great job and buy one also."
The third lad says: "I'm going to get a job like my sister."
The other two asked what she did.
"She's a prostitute."
"What's a prostitute," the other two ask.
"Well, I don't really know, but that over there is my sister's car."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 25, 2017 16:38:53 GMT
A prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The barrister was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence lawyer?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 0:03:08 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 26, 2017 9:17:33 GMT
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Eddie would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Billy used to do the same things," the older woman replied, "but I broke him of that pesky habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 11:46:07 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 26, 2017 12:27:45 GMT
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a fire extinguisher and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is used for?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "When my Mum gets that, Dad knows supper is ready!"
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Post by althea on Apr 26, 2017 13:16:07 GMT
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2017 3:13:28 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2017 10:34:27 GMT
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.
He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 27, 2017 11:46:28 GMT
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dear."
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