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Post by rondetto on Apr 21, 2017 12:42:51 GMT
An important and very well publicised murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.
He was asked, "Are you a property owner?"
Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honur."
Then he was asked, "Married or single?"
Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honour."
Then the judge asked, "Have you formed or expressed an opinion?"
Dan stated with certainty, "Not in the past twenty years, Your Honour."
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Post by althea on Apr 21, 2017 15:22:04 GMT
Our local paper reported our area currently had over 400 Psychopaths
It was a misprint, should have read 400 Cycle paths.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 21, 2017 16:39:40 GMT
Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
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Post by aubrey on Apr 21, 2017 19:08:32 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Apr 21, 2017 19:56:06 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 22, 2017 10:41:04 GMT
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Give it here...Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 22, 2017 10:46:38 GMT
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
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Post by althea on Apr 22, 2017 16:06:01 GMT
Some advice from a dermatologist. Towels are the leading cause of skin dryness.
I've just been diagnosed as colour blind. I was shocked. It just came out of the green!
I just got punched and insulted by a 6' beetle. There's a nasty bug going around.
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Post by althea on Apr 22, 2017 16:07:26 GMT
I'd be lost without my Sat Nav.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2017 23:20:23 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 23, 2017 10:47:58 GMT
Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 23, 2017 15:03:17 GMT
Two lady darts teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT IT'S OK FOR YOU....YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 24, 2017 11:45:39 GMT
Q: Why did the blonde keep stopping then smile during a
lightning storm?
A: She thought she was getting her photograph taken.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 24, 2017 11:49:31 GMT
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with petrol just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump."Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my line of work."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 24, 2017 14:55:53 GMT
 On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £25 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of £100. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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