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Post by rondetto on Oct 2, 2020 14:57:10 GMT
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
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Post by rondetto on Oct 2, 2020 16:25:47 GMT
My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers, "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"
"A power cut", was apparently was the wrong answer!
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Post by rondetto on Oct 2, 2020 17:04:39 GMT
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to dick...
Especially when his name is Steve!
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Post by aubrey on Oct 3, 2020 8:14:13 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Oct 3, 2020 9:38:32 GMT
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Post by althea on Oct 3, 2020 10:27:44 GMT
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Post by althea on Oct 3, 2020 10:28:08 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Oct 3, 2020 12:17:56 GMT
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments...
It has left scientists scratching their heads! ____________________________________
I got my grandma a special new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...
It's one small step for Nan! ____________________________________
Just been let down by a fancy dress shop after I tried to order a Shepherd’s outfit...
You can't get the staff these days!
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Post by rondetto on Oct 3, 2020 14:42:41 GMT
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3 wishes."
Genie: "Sue me!"
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Post by rondetto on Oct 3, 2020 18:22:42 GMT
I saw a sign in a shop window that said, 'Watch batteries fitted £2.50.'
I thought, "Why would anyone pay to see someone fitting batteries."
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Post by rondetto on Oct 4, 2020 7:11:22 GMT
I said to my son, "When you grow up, I really want you to buy a plot of land and build a shopping centre and a cinema on it."
My wife said, "Will you please stop that, you'll get him developing a complex!"
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Post by rondetto on Oct 4, 2020 10:45:04 GMT
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 4, 2020 11:32:00 GMT
I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with he very fat mate.
They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten...
I knew there and then, she was the one!
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Post by rondetto on Oct 5, 2020 11:03:40 GMT
I tried to read a book today on the history of Sellotape, but I couldn't find the beginning! ___________________________________________________
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said, "Dad can't you just use a sponge?" ___________________________________________________
Fire alarm has just gone off at the Black and Decker factory.
Everything is fine, it was just a drill. ___________________________________________________
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Post by rondetto on Oct 5, 2020 13:26:20 GMT
This little girl tells her teacher on her first day in school that she's just had a baby brother.
"What is your brother's name?"
Little Jane: "I don't know yet. We can't understand a word he says."
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