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Post by rondetto on Sept 30, 2020 14:06:37 GMT
A 4 year old boy was asked to give thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mummy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the gravy. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the sprouts, will he know that I'm lying?"
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Post by rondetto on Sept 30, 2020 15:30:49 GMT
I was shocked at price of those 'Ancestry DNA kits', so rather than spend £150, I just announced that I had won the lottery...
I quickly found out who my relatives were!
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Post by rondetto on Sept 30, 2020 16:46:22 GMT
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in a lift.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that!
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Post by rondetto on Sept 30, 2020 16:50:48 GMT
I quit my job at the helium factory.
I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 30, 2020 18:19:59 GMT
I did a comedy gig in an old people's home last night.
None of them understood my jokes, but they all pissed themselves!
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Post by althea on Sept 30, 2020 19:26:48 GMT
Don't complain about our coffee.
You may be old and weak yourself, someday.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 1, 2020 11:27:01 GMT
I found a box of frozen fish in the street the other day...
I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers! ____________________________________________________
I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer later this morning...
It's my first day, so they'll just be showing me the ropes! ____________________________________________________
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture...
I have a hunch, it's going to be me!
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Post by rondetto on Oct 1, 2020 11:48:21 GMT
We had an RAF pilot who is on furlough round to do some decorating in our house today.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
Police have charged a man with using sandpaper to murder his victim.
He told police "I only wanted to rough him up a bit."
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Post by rondetto on Oct 1, 2020 14:22:21 GMT
My first girlfriend worked in the radiology department at the hospital.
Every christmas and birthday she'd send me an X-ray of her chest...
I know it sounds a bit weird but it shows that her heart was in the right place!
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Post by rondetto on Oct 1, 2020 16:18:18 GMT
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions,
Stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and
They would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a
Week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2020 20:00:45 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Oct 2, 2020 10:56:14 GMT
My wife said she wanted something nice and silky for her birthday.
No doubt this tin of Dulux will be the wrong colour. ____________________________________
I said to the lad in Tesco; ‘Is it true you carry customer's shopping to their car free of charge?’
He said ‘we do’.
As we got to my car I said ‘I only asked you to do it because I’m lazy’.
He said ‘I realise that. Here’s the Mars bar you bought." ________________________________________
I was speaking to a Chinese bloke in the pub the other night.
I asked him what he does for a living and he said, "I'm a Pirate."
I said, "Oh, you sail on a boat?"
He replied, "No, I fry pranes!"
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Post by aubrey on Oct 2, 2020 11:23:33 GMT
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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Post by rondetto on Oct 2, 2020 12:46:48 GMT
I entered Mr Universe in 1992...
I didn't enjoy the experience very much but we still keep in touch by texts.
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Post by rondetto on Oct 2, 2020 13:22:43 GMT
"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"
"No, she forgot to give me the letter."
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