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Post by marispiper on Apr 17, 2017 13:17:25 GMT
I love that hearing aid one 😁😁😁😁😁
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Post by rondetto on Apr 17, 2017 14:38:02 GMT
Thanks:
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"
Her mother replied, "So... what do you expect from me, sympathy?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2017 23:43:57 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 18, 2017 11:16:18 GMT
A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
Officer, look what they've done to my BMW!
"You yuppies are so materialistic, its ridiculous retorted the officer. You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "Where's my My Rolex!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 18, 2017 13:58:33 GMT
A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 18, 2017 14:02:30 GMT
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 18, 2017 18:28:06 GMT
"I've just had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 18, 2017 18:34:13 GMT
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Josh said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mum gives me a pound a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five pounds a week not to play it at night."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 19, 2017 9:41:55 GMT
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the groin until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2017 20:03:21 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 20, 2017 11:41:47 GMT
A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.
"I've got a few suggestions," he says." "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. "Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'
The younger priest practices these sayings, too. "Well done," says the older priest. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: Bloody Hell, What happened next?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2017 13:35:01 GMT
A dentist was just about to go home when a beautiful blonde came in and asked if he could help with her toothache. So he sat her in the chair and started to look in her mouth.
As he did so he felt a little hand slowly moving inside his trousers until it was holding a very delicate part of his anatomy. He looked into her big blue eyes and momentarily distracted stopped what he was doing. Then she said
'Now we are not going to hurt each other are we?'
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Post by rondetto on Apr 20, 2017 14:20:16 GMT
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing weekend. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their break, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred pounds?"
The other guy says, "Blimey! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2017 23:07:10 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 21, 2017 11:01:11 GMT
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'
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