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Post by althea on Sept 26, 2020 14:55:00 GMT
I still can't believe people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.
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Post by althea on Sept 26, 2020 15:15:58 GMT
Just opened a can of what I thought was evaporated milk, but was pleasantly surprised to see it hadn't.......
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Post by althea on Sept 26, 2020 15:16:23 GMT
What rock group has four guys who don't sing?
Mount Rushmore.
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Post by althea on Sept 26, 2020 15:16:50 GMT
What's the difference between lingerie and pyjamas?
About 20 years.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 27, 2020 8:03:39 GMT
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Oh Who the hell cares?" the mother replied.
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Post by althea on Sept 27, 2020 8:38:38 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Sept 27, 2020 12:36:37 GMT
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't stop.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no bloody zoo, this I've just gotta see!"
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Post by rondetto on Sept 27, 2020 16:54:33 GMT
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know it's the No16 bus that goes to Victoria station?"
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Post by aubrey on Sept 27, 2020 17:18:56 GMT
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know it's the No16 bus that goes to Victoria station?"
It's true, it does. The 5 goes nowhere near Victoria.
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Post by aubrey on Sept 27, 2020 18:58:48 GMT
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary. He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
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Post by aubrey on Sept 27, 2020 18:59:07 GMT
What if one day God came down and said "It's pronounced Jod" and then left?
Thinking about the time I got paired for a project with the dude who sat beside me in history class and I couldn't remember his name so I thought I'd be sneaky and ask him how he spelled his name instead of asking what it was and he looked me dead in the eyes and said B-E-N
I've recorded an album called 'Obsessed With Sex'.
It's only got one track, mind.
Brexit was supposed to turn the UK into an economic superman, but all we have ended up with are more clerks in Kent
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
(From Twitter via The Poke)
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Post by rondetto on Sept 28, 2020 12:25:51 GMT
A mate of mine always says that when one door shuts another opens. He's quite a good philosopher, but a terrible cabinet maker.
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Post by rondetto on Sept 28, 2020 13:46:10 GMT
Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.
Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. He'll never get you anything new.
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Post by althea on Sept 28, 2020 15:23:40 GMT
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Post by althea on Sept 28, 2020 15:24:17 GMT
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