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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2017 16:34:48 GMT
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and I have biggest knob of all my mates!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2017 17:10:02 GMT
A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the assistant.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from £2.00 to £2,000."
"Let's see the £2.00 model," he said.
The assistant put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"Oh well for £2.00 it doesn't work," the man replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk a lot louder!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2017 18:34:10 GMT
Experts reckon that it would have been impossible for Jesus to have been born in Liverpool. They say it
would be nigh impossible to have found three wise men and a virgin there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2017 23:02:43 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 15, 2017 10:58:48 GMT
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Piggot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents.
When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.
"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.
"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Haven't got a clue what's wrong with her," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 15, 2017 16:17:58 GMT
A blonde goes to her doctor complaining of body pains.
Her doctor asked "Where does it hurt?"
She touches her elbow and says, "here." She then touches her
knee and says "here too."
The doctor asks if it hurts anywhere else.
She says it seems to be everything she touches hurts.
The doctor says, "Ah, I have found your problem. Your finger
is broken."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2017 4:00:40 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 16, 2017 8:14:20 GMT
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
" The wife responded, "Right, allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 16, 2017 11:29:27 GMT
An employee goes to his boss and says, "I've been doing the work of three men for the last 5 years, I deserve a raise!"
The boss replies, "I can't give you a raise, but if you tell me who the other two guys are I'll fire them."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 16, 2017 11:38:20 GMT
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs £500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs £1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the Windows 10 operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs £2000."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 16, 2017 12:13:38 GMT
Paddy's answer phone:
"I can't answer the phone just now because I'm over at Murphy's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a light bulb."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 16, 2017 13:33:09 GMT
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 16, 2017 16:45:31 GMT
A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children," she said.
"No, that's what you think," the man replied. "I'm the father of three children."
The fortuneteller smiled and said, "No, that's what you think."
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Post by althea on Apr 17, 2017 10:32:41 GMT
What has four legs and an arm?
A Rottweiler.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 17, 2017 12:30:48 GMT
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms from sir."
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