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Post by rondetto on Apr 11, 2017 14:03:26 GMT
A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.
The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realised his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
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Post by rondetto on Apr 11, 2017 16:46:42 GMT
Two small-town shop keepers were visiting London City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway tube entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 11, 2017 18:29:32 GMT
Q: Did you hear about the big argument that Madonna, Cher, Jewel and Prince had?
A: They were no longer on a first name basis.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2017 19:02:12 GMT
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Post by aubrey on Apr 12, 2017 8:07:43 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 12, 2017 9:20:56 GMT
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lott was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 12, 2017 9:26:28 GMT
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried rubbing it with sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 13, 2017 10:47:38 GMT
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 13, 2017 12:55:06 GMT
One of the mysteries of life i...
One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.
The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.
It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.
What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.
Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.
Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.
My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.
What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your wardrobe for a while? I shrinks two sizes.
It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 13, 2017 15:47:56 GMT
What did the pig say on a hot summer's day?
I can smell bacon. bacon.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 13, 2017 15:49:31 GMT
Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.
Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough toilets!
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2017 10:47:54 GMT
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says," Whats taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, says his partner. You'll never hit her from here."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2017 11:28:08 GMT
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2017 11:32:56 GMT
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Clearing, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 14, 2017 15:02:16 GMT
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said his friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh, yes, quite serious," said the doctor, gravely. "It appears there are three doctors there already!"
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