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Post by rondetto on Apr 8, 2017 14:08:08 GMT
Angry passenger to Ryanair Ticket Agent: "I want my brown suitcase sent to Malaga, my green suitcase sent to Madrid, and my tan suitcase sent to Majorca."
Ticket Agent: "I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Alicante. We can't do that."
Passenger: "Why not ? You did it last time I flew with you."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 8, 2017 15:25:37 GMT
What do you call a four-foot-tall psychic that escaped from jail?
A small medium at large!
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Post by rondetto on Apr 8, 2017 17:24:16 GMT
A man refused a drink in pub was told it was because of the trouble he caused the night before.
Protesting his innocence, the customer said he had never been in the pub before.
"You must have a double then," said the barman.
"Thanks, I will, make it a vodka," replied the man.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 22:13:26 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 9, 2017 11:40:35 GMT
Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?
A: Nothing -- the police wont look into it.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 9, 2017 12:10:02 GMT
I WONDER:
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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Post by aubrey on Apr 10, 2017 9:50:22 GMT
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 10, 2017 13:22:51 GMT
Just a joke...honest.
Q: How can you tell when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
A: She starts out with, "A man once said...."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 10, 2017 14:51:59 GMT
Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 10, 2017 15:18:44 GMT
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh God no.... oh . . . I just....."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 10, 2017 16:36:04 GMT
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a Liverpool street gang.
walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving scousers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the scousers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 10, 2017 16:42:34 GMT
A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, Were going to have to remove your legs.
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, The guy beside you wants to buy your slippers.
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Post by althea on Apr 10, 2017 16:52:00 GMT
A load of bills came through the letterbox this morning......those ducknappers really are serious
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2017 21:16:01 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 11, 2017 10:42:18 GMT
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do
Father." The priest said, "Then stands over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to get to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and
said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die,
yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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