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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2017 16:58:38 GMT
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Ermm...Is there anyone else up there?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2017 20:05:06 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 5, 2017 9:39:51 GMT
An English businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.
The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, What the heck did you put on this pizza?
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 6, 2017 12:08:44 GMT
Two happily married 60 year old's were on holiday when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a Genie came out. The Genie was willing to grant each person a single wish.
The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for.
He said to the Genie, "I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me."
Then "poof" he turned into a 90 year old man.
What's the moral of the story?
-Be careful what you wish for.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 6, 2017 12:53:12 GMT
A dear old lady was staying in a hotel in a small country town and could not get to sleep because of the noise emanating from a party on the ground floor. At first, she bore it stoically. But at about 2 A.M., when the screams and screeches were louder than ever, she phoned the front desk to ask what was going on.
"Oh, they're holding a Policemen's Ball" replied the clerk.
"Well," said the old lady, "isn't it about time they let go?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 6, 2017 13:58:16 GMT
There was a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a money where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project.
Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 6, 2017 15:16:59 GMT
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
What did Noah do for a job?
He was an arkitecht!
What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!
Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!
Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
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Post by rondetto on Apr 6, 2017 17:06:48 GMT
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing nappies.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next nappy. I meant the next baby...!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2017 4:30:18 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 7, 2017 11:04:01 GMT
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 120, 140.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 7, 2017 13:31:57 GMT
"Doctor, one day I think I'm a wigwam, another day I think I'm a tepee."
"The trouble with you is, you're two tents."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 7, 2017 17:19:50 GMT
A woman rushes into a police station and cries, "Help, help! I've just been groped by a virgin!"
Calming the woman down, an officer asks, "How do you know he was a virgin?"
The woman gasps, "Because I had to help him."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2017 1:11:50 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 8, 2017 9:48:39 GMT
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 8, 2017 13:13:43 GMT
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
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