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Post by rondetto on Jun 10, 2020 17:22:45 GMT
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''
Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2020 10:20:28 GMT
Dick and Dirk are employed in a computer hardware store as movers.
One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Dick being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Dirk is struggling very hard to lift his computer.
At this Dick says, "What Dirk, my comp has 500 MB HardDisk and yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it "
At this Dirk thinks for a while and replies, "That's right, but my HardDisk is full and yours is empty"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2020 14:01:42 GMT
Teacher: "Class does anyone know what is a comet?"
Little Johnny: "A what?"
Teacher: "A comet. You know what a comet is?"
Little Johnny: "No."
Teacher: "Don't you know what they call a star with a tail?"
Little Johnny: "Oh sure. It's Mickey Mouse. "
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Post by rondetto on Jun 11, 2020 17:13:44 GMT
A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy bottom?"
He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "No, it's your sense of humour."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2020 7:36:47 GMT
I just rang B&Q. I asked, "How big is the queue?"
Person replied, "The same size as the B"..
I've just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2020 12:15:09 GMT
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2020 13:10:30 GMT
Young Maiden: "Yes, I've been asked many times to get married."
Friend: "Really, who's asked you?"
Young Maiden: "My mother and father."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 12, 2020 16:22:59 GMT
A political candidate stood on a platform and announced to the assembled crowd that he was going to fight radicalism, socialism, communism, racism and anarchism.
One old man snorted and said, "I'll vote for you when you can do something about rheumatism."
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Post by rondetto on Jun 13, 2020 7:59:52 GMT
You see some dumb idiots in the hospitals accident and emergency department, the boy the vase stuck on his head, the girl with a bead stuck up her nose.
The other day a guy walked in, who had swallowed his wrist watch.
Don't they realise the strain this puts on the NHS ?.
Its so time consuming! The doctor ticked him off for wasting his time and their time.
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Post by althea on Jun 13, 2020 11:50:50 GMT
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn't want to appear insensitive, he also doesn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says: "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
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Post by althea on Jun 13, 2020 11:55:20 GMT
Don't feel silly next week when you have to go out in public wearing a mask.
I've just saw a bloke walking around in broad daylight wearing a Man City top
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Post by althea on Jun 13, 2020 11:56:09 GMT
I've got the memory of an elephant.
Iremember one time,I went to the zoo and I saw an elephant.......
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Post by althea on Jun 13, 2020 11:59:53 GMT
OK,Iron man - you do the ironing.
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Post by rondetto on Jun 13, 2020 13:13:31 GMT
An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Richard, "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," says Richard, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Richard says, "I can see the moon, isn't that far enough?"
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Post by rondetto on Jun 14, 2020 7:46:19 GMT
Two guys from Liverpool are sitting in a boat on the Mersey fishing and sucking down beers when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."
Eric sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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