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Post by rondetto on Apr 2, 2017 12:39:55 GMT
Through the pitch-black night, the sea captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: "Look, I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I'm a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse sir, I believe it's your call."
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Post by althea on Apr 2, 2017 17:28:39 GMT
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and all the paperwork,
and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical
college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it
all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
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Post by althea on Apr 2, 2017 17:30:15 GMT
I phoned my husband earlier and asked him if he wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work, but he just grunted at me. I think he still regrets letting me name the twins.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 2:58:01 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 3, 2017 9:37:23 GMT
There were three Irish labourers one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide.
The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repositioned to pick up another pole.
This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?
The Irish men replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".
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Post by rondetto on Apr 3, 2017 12:37:44 GMT
A penguin walked into a bar the other day and asked the barman: "Have you seen my brother?"
The barman replied: "What does he look like?"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 3, 2017 13:46:22 GMT
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 3, 2017 13:48:09 GMT
A preacher was completing a sermon on the demon drink: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365: "Shall We all Gather at the River."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 20:40:34 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2017 11:01:50 GMT
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2017 11:06:00 GMT
Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced HaVaii or HaWaii.
They ask a passerby, who answers HaVaii.
"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.
"You're Velcome," replies the passerby.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2017 14:16:30 GMT
A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you idiot!" screeched the parrot.
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Post by althea on Apr 4, 2017 15:17:46 GMT
My partner said "why don't we switch off the wi-fi for once and have a chat?"
I was surprised to find out that he no longer worked in Woolworths.
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Post by althea on Apr 4, 2017 15:51:06 GMT
DANGER DANGER -
Clarinet recital about to start
THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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Post by rondetto on Apr 4, 2017 16:49:44 GMT
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a bus.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a pancake and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so rough!"
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