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Post by rondetto on May 26, 2020 15:27:20 GMT
Mr. Jones visited the Widow Brown every evening and had tea.
"Why don't you marry her?" asked a friend.
"I have often thought about it," said Mr. Jones. "But where would I spend my evenings then?"
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Post by rondetto on May 26, 2020 16:52:05 GMT
A teacher asked her class, 'What do you want out of life?' A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, 'All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mum always says.'
The teacher asked, 'Really, and what four little animals would that be?' The little girl said, 'A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
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Post by rondetto on May 27, 2020 6:07:22 GMT
Sean and Hetty, an elderly widow and widower, had been dating for about three years when Sean finally decided to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said 'Yes'.
The next morning when he awoke, Sean couldn't remember what her answer was! 'Was she happy? I think so. Wait, no, she looked at me funny.' After about an hour of trying to remember, but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to his proposal.
"Oh," Hetty said, "I am so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
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Post by rondetto on May 27, 2020 6:11:23 GMT
A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: “Occupation?” The German replies:
“No, just a holiday.”
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Post by rondetto on May 27, 2020 7:40:25 GMT
I was told if I went to the paint shop, I'd get Thinner there.
Well it hasn't worked!....
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Post by rondetto on May 27, 2020 13:15:38 GMT
Me to the postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.
Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me..
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Post by rondetto on May 28, 2020 10:22:15 GMT
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks, "Why are you holding out both of your hands?"
The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch."
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Post by rondetto on May 28, 2020 12:34:36 GMT
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defence. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that it's the only chance we've got of winning."
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Post by rondetto on May 29, 2020 8:18:49 GMT
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
Apparently the Spanish king Felipe VI picked up the virus while returning on his private jet and is self-isolating there, so the reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane.
Google’s search engine is so dangerous! I searched for 'Arsonist' and immediately got 50,000 matches.
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Post by rondetto on May 29, 2020 8:49:26 GMT
Two small-town grocers were visiting London for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a Tube entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the stairs of the Tube station..
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
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Post by rondetto on May 30, 2020 9:30:18 GMT
A nervous attendant on a cross-country flight announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 40 dinners available!"
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Post by rondetto on May 30, 2020 13:25:07 GMT
Suzie: "Mum, I’m doing Geography homework. Where are the Andes? "
Mother (not listening closely):" How should I know? If you’d put your things away where they belong, you’d be able to find them when you need them. "
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Post by althea on May 30, 2020 18:55:57 GMT
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Post by althea on May 30, 2020 18:56:33 GMT
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Post by althea on May 30, 2020 18:57:13 GMT
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