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Post by honeybear on May 23, 2020 9:12:41 GMT
Two women in the old peoples home. Sadie: I have a sore throat. Ruby: When I have a sore throat I suck a Fisherman's Friend. Sadie: Great idea but who drives you to the seaside
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Post by rondetto on May 23, 2020 10:30:03 GMT
I keep swearing at tanks and castles. Turns out I have got Turrets Syndrome.
I got my partner a bag of compost for his birthday.
He chucked it at me in a rage.
Typical, you give them the earth and they throw it back in your face.
A horse racing tip for you.
"Dusty Rug," it has never been beaten.
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Post by rondetto on May 23, 2020 14:18:14 GMT
A woman saw an electrician walking up her drive and rushed to the door.
"Why did you come today?" she barked. "You were supposed to repair the doorbell yesterday?
I know," the electrician replied. "I rang three times. There was no answer, so I thought you must be out."
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Post by rondetto on May 24, 2020 7:30:27 GMT
Whilst checking on a bakery factory, the food inspector was horrified to find Paddy using his teeth to crimp the apple pies.
''Have you not got a tool for that??!!'' shrieks the inspector.
''Yes'' says Paddy. ''But I use that to make the hole in the doughnuts,'
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Post by rondetto on May 24, 2020 12:14:32 GMT
I didn't realise how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:
"IN 400 YARDS, MAKE A RIGHT TURN, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."
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Post by rondetto on May 24, 2020 13:36:55 GMT
In a small town, farmers of the community had got together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.
When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
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Post by rondetto on May 25, 2020 10:04:26 GMT
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some bras."
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Post by rondetto on May 25, 2020 15:35:19 GMT
Confucius says:
Man who scratch bottom should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong:man with four balls cannot walk.
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War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there..
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Post by rondetto on May 25, 2020 18:24:53 GMT
A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
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Post by althea on May 25, 2020 19:19:01 GMT
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Post by althea on May 25, 2020 19:22:27 GMT
A priest, a rabbit and an Imam walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect."
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Post by althea on May 25, 2020 19:29:26 GMT
I bought my wife a refrigerator for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it...
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Post by rondetto on May 26, 2020 8:31:36 GMT
A man walks into a large crowded city centre pub, desperate to have a dump. Seeing a sign directing patrons up a flight of stairs to the toilets – he ascends the stairs as quickly as his condition will allow.
On reaching the landing area there are no further signs and despite searching he cannot locate the toilets. Unable to contain his predicament any longer, he sees a hole in the floor and decides his best option is to defecate there.
After finishing his business, relived he decides to have a quick beer. To his amazement when he gets down to the bar, the place is deserted. Approaching the bar, he asks the bartender ‘Where is everyone?’ to which the bartender replies ‘Where the hell were you when the sɦíţ hit the fan?’
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Post by rondetto on May 26, 2020 8:40:55 GMT
“Sir Cumference built King Arthur's round table, and Sir Ramic Tile did the flooring.”
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Post by rondetto on May 26, 2020 10:50:16 GMT
There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
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