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Post by rondetto on Mar 30, 2017 10:21:08 GMT
"Mr. Golding," asked little Joey to his scripture teacher "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey?" asked Golding.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right.""And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Golding. "So what's your question?"
"Well, what were all the grown-ups doing?"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 30, 2017 14:16:06 GMT
In the prime of her career, a world famous
painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful
that she might lose her life as a painter, she
went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and
therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter
was so grateful that she decided to show her
gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic
eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a
press conference to unveil her latest work of
art -- the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter
noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,
"What was your first reaction upon seeing your
newly painted office, especially that large eye
on the wall?"
The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself,
'Thank God I'm not a Gynecologist.'
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Post by rondetto on Mar 30, 2017 14:21:11 GMT
An English man was hoping to emigrate to Australia.
Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer,
"What is your business in Australia?"
"I wish to emigrate," was the man's reply.
The customs officer then asked,
"Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the English man then replied,
"I didn't think you still needed one."
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Post by marispiper on Mar 30, 2017 17:03:27 GMT
I wrote to a priest friend of mine. He likes a joke - these were the ones I sent him...
A priest goes to a boot fair where he sees a rusty petrol mower for sale.
'Does it work?' he asks.
'Well' the bloke replies 'after you've sworn at it four or five, yanking the cord, it usually starts up'
'Oh no' the priest says 'I don't swear. I haven't used a swear word in thirty years'
'Don't worry' says the bloke 'it'll soon come back to you 😁'!
Next...
Man goes into the confession room (yes, nowadays btw) and says "Bless me father, I have had seven women this week and I want forgiveness"
"Well" said the priest "take seven lemons, squeeze the juice from the seven lemons into a glass and drink it down in one go"
The man says "Will that cleanse me from my sin?"
"No" says the priest "but it'll wipe that grin off your face"
Next...
How does Moses make a cup of tea? He-brews 😁 (wince)
We don't wish to know that...kindly leave the stage.
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Post by althea on Mar 31, 2017 10:32:08 GMT
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (only a fraction of people will find this funny.)
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Post by rondetto on Mar 31, 2017 13:02:49 GMT
This from a lady who went shopping:
The assistant asked me, "Cash, cheque or card?" after ringing up my purchase.
As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote when you go shopping?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even with him!"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 31, 2017 14:09:08 GMT
Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odour than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.
That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Who do you think I am, Popeye?"
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Post by rondetto on Mar 31, 2017 15:59:48 GMT
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a £10 note.
The bartender thinks to himself, This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks, and gives him 15 pence change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at £9.85 a drink, I aint coming back, either."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2017 19:31:51 GMT
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Post by althea on Apr 1, 2017 10:19:08 GMT
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
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Post by rondetto on Apr 1, 2017 11:20:55 GMT
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack, queen, king and ace."
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Post by rondetto on Apr 1, 2017 14:11:19 GMT
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"Surely you're coming empty handed are you?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2017 19:28:32 GMT
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Post by rondetto on Apr 2, 2017 11:53:29 GMT
A newly wed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's donkey suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The vicar noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the vicar later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that donkey?' and I would shake my head and say, 'I can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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Post by rondetto on Apr 2, 2017 12:10:09 GMT
Three vicars were having lunch in a cafe.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one in my church since!"
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